The conclusion
What occurred
Toward defining the basic nature of romance
    The products of romance
    The characteristics and contents of romance
What is it that we week from romance?
     Where is ‘there’?
     Do we succeed?
The reexamination
Who you ‘get’ to be in the matter
And what is the possibility we actually achieve?


If you do not wish to go through the reasoning, here is the conclusion:

If we are to be “romantic” while being integrous, we would create “outside the box” of normal thinking, creating possibilities that can be seen and enjoyed by others such that they are inspired to live their lives in a higher plane of being and aliveness, where we are “crafting tales” that would have others see into such possibilities. 


For a person who was aiming for a goal of “having a wonderful romance,” her coach suggested the possibility that instead of hoping for something outside of herself, she could be the embodiment of “being romantic”.  (Of course, that way of being might also make it more probable that the goal above might be more likely to manifest itself, as it should “beget” a more romantic potential partner or create the safe space for the potential partner to live into a more romantic way of being.)


To define romantic, one must define what romance is, separate of all of that which is a product of romance. 

The products of romance

The products of romance include “romantic love”, so romance is often associated with the idea of romantic love.  However, romantic love is a product of romantic thinking that creates an ideal of being fully satisfied by another meeting all of one’s greatest intimate relationship dreams – to be coddled, cared for, given roses, given reminders and constant affirmations of another’s admiration and love, etc. and etc. and etc. – creating a kind of mistful state of floating in the security of “knowing” one is truly loved, at last. (Any seeing of sarcasm or questioning within that statement might be fully justified.)

The characteristics and contents of romance

Romance, in its purest form, is fanciful, even marvelous, even wild, picturesque.  It is embellished hope for wondrousness or adventure, through whatever mystical means, or being off in an exotic land based on wishful thinking or mere idealistic fantasy.

An example of a romantic notion:  It is romantic to have the notion that one will retain one’s youthfulness.

It embraces and contains adventure, charm, colour, excitement, exoticness, fascination, glamour, mystery, nostalgia, sentiment. 

It produces the fairy tale, fantasy, fiction, idyll, legend, love story, melodrama, novel, story, tale, tear jerker.

It ranges to absurdity, exaggeration, fabrication, fairy tale, falsehoods, fiction, flight of fancy, invention, lie, tall story, trumped-up story.

It is economical with the truth, to exaggerate, to fantasize, to let one’s imagination run away with one, lie, make up stories, stretch the truth, tell stories.

That should give you a broader “feel” for what romance is, as a starting point.

Before we go on, we will ask a few questions that will help us get to the essential nature and endpoint of romance.


In order to go to the heart of romance, we need to see what we are using it for.  What is its end product, other than fairy tales and romantic novels, that we are seeking?  Which of these ends will actually support us and which are false gods that are fleeting at best?

We seek in romance to be “acted upon” by another, to be on the receiving end of what we crave from another.  We step on the romance treadmill so that we can create what we want from romance, seeking forever to get “there”. 

And, on the way to attempt to “get the romance” that we “need”, while carefully waiting for the other to see if the other will romance us, or will do it first, so that we see that it is safe to give a bit more to the other (so that we can try to secure more of the getting we want from the other). 

Where is ‘there’?

For many (most?) of us what we are seeking is to have the romance make up for and salve the ‘wounds’ from feeling insufficiently loved as a child, or maybe even from later failures in relationships.  We are seeking resolution to our insecurity – but we are seeking it from another, who is more likely seeking the same thing – and in a similar defensive mode, perhaps even at the same level of power and non-power.

And, also, we seek to have that romance continue forever…

Do we succeed?

No, somehow we fail 99.9% of the time.

So, d’ya think that maybe we oughta reexamine what we’re doing and what we’re seeking?


And it we do reexamine from a wiser point of view, we see that there is no workability in the ‘doing’ of the above  and no probability in the achievement of what we seek, for it is the wrong goal.

Stepping back a bit, we can see that part of the romantic dream is to be loved and/or to find oneself with great strength and the ability to slay dragons (i.e. power and to be admired). 

So, if we can get back to the world of reality and to be more down to earth for a bit, we seek to feel highly valued and approved of and to have the ability to and the sense of being able to handle life in a way that works to create peace of mind (which is related to a sense of security) coupled to, and partially based upon, the power to create what we want. 

The key point we are often missing that is at the essence of the reality of romance is that we can only get there by self creation, not by seeking it from the outside. (Duh!)

We can only get what we want by our creating what we want, not by others creating it.


Jumping off of these points and the definitions, this is what we arrive at for the person who is being coached:

If one is to be “romantic” as a way of being, that would manifest itself in being freely creative of adventure and excitement and being inspirational for others (and oneself); creating a picturesque view, helping others (or oneself) to see the wondrousness of something that is created to be beautiful simply for the enjoyment of the beauty; creating having people see the potential in life and dreams, such that they are, for themselves, touched, moved, and/or inspired.  

If we are to be “romantic” while being integrous, we would create “outside the box” of normal thinking, creating possibilities that can be seen and enjoyed by others for themselves such that they are inspired to live their lives in a higher plane of being, where we are “crafting tales” that would have others see into such possibilities. 

And it would be our role to support another by our engaging in forever weaving a tale of the wonderful possibilities for him/herself, and supporting that person doing such weaving for him/herself, while also inspiring that person by his/her seeing you do that for yourself.  

You and/or your “romantic” partners (not all “love” partners per se) get to do this by being free of self-imposed, and other-imposed, imaginary limitations that live only in the world of untrue, unexamined old beliefs.  But anything that you get from another is solely a bonus, for when we choose to be in our own power we realize the foolishness of trying to control others to get what we want and/or to depend on the supply from the outside.

From this viewpoint, for example, we seek health for the sake of aliveness, not to look good to others.  We no longer seek approval from others.  We live as self-sufficient powerful human beings who create the whole of our own lives.  Yes, we are in connection and in cooperativeness, but we never rely on or assume dependence. 


The fulfillment of the “endpoint” possibility of all of this is not to achieve the endpoint of all the possibilities, but to live the aliveness of living into an endless banquet of possibilities throughout our lives.  Now, THAT is exciting, adventurous, and empowering!

This is living into the romance of life itself.


Of course, you can apply the "romantic notion", this way of thinking, to your prospective or existing romantic relationship.  Rose petals, poetry, etc., are useful.  But the "come from" is to weave a positive, perhaps fantasylike feeling of being loved, adored, approved of "to the max", so that it is your partner who is benefitted - and virtually not at all from the viewpoint of "what can I get back...".