I'm not good enough - and that's the truth!
What actually happened
What I made that mean
Then I made it happen - with strong evidence!
But there is nothing to prove!
It is just that I have the choice
But, I created it all
My word is so powerful
Holding "out there" as responsible
I now set it, and me, free
I am the sole creator of it all
What I say now
I now create this...
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH - AND THAT'S THE 'TRUTH'
My story is “I’m not good enough.” And that has been proven over and over in my life – or so I thought and believed.
But I missed the boat on this one. There is now no regret, since regret is just a story, like this other story I made up.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED
The first time I remember getting the message that I was not good enough, was when I was 6.
Telling it in the format that works, what actually happened and what was literally said, with no interpretations in there:
My mother said “Lydia is so accomplished for her age.” She was 7. That is what actually happened.
WHAT I MADE THAT MEAN
I made that mean that I was “not good enough” and that there was a threat of losing my mother’s love if I wasn’t more accomplished.
And if my mother didn't love me, then I would go into nonexistence, be nothing, and I might even die.
THEN I MADE IT HAPPEN - WITH STRONG EVIDENCE!
And then I lived that story.
I found evidence to prove my view of myself. I realize now that I was so sensitized to my not being good enough that everything that looked like that seemed important and big to me and it seemed to be proof of what was my worst nightmare – not being good enough and not having my mother’s love.
I have learned since then that we “look for evidence to prove what we think is wrong with us”, or what we think is ‘the truth.’
I do agree with the “selective” evidence idea, as I see so many people in today’s political environment proving why one side is absolutely right, while the person on the other side finds absolute proof that his side is absolutely right and the other side is wrong. I also see that those same people, often intelligent ones, seem to ignore the evidence on the other side or “discount” it as being minor or a lie. “Walmart is bad.” “The Democrats will spend us into oblivion.” “Those Republicans have no heart and they are just for the rich people.” Foolish, and limitied view, statements, indeed.
I see now that it could be true that things that don’t involve my survival don’t seem to register much, because they don’t have importance relative to my survival. It produces the same result as “selective” proof. It seems to make sense.
So, when I succeed or someone says I’m a good person, I discount that and make light of it, rather than considering it as evidence on the other side.
BUT, THERE IS NOTHING TO PROVE!
Later, I learned that the evidence doesn’t matter, as I am no such thing as a fixed being. I am neither a good person or a not good enough person. I am just a person, with no fixed label I need to live into. I am just a person capable of making choices, some being “wrong” and some being “right”, but “so what!”
To go on with my tale, I spent most of my life being tense about what I thought was this life saving effort of mine to prove I was good enough coupled together with gathering the proof of what I most feared, that I wasn’t good enough. I wrestled and wrestled with it. It became my life, with a few respites and good things in my life, which I failed to appreciate because of their lack of importance compared to my not being good enough.
I see now that I was playing 'not to lose' and not even, hardly, noticing all the times I did win in life. I now see that there was some good stuff in there, for which I am grateful now. And I now see that my past life is just my past life and it was what it was – just something that happened. It's over. Gone.
IT IS JUST THAT I HAVE THE CHOICE
But what changed for me was seeing that I had a choice about it all, that I had choice in the matter of how my life went.
It is true that as a small child I didn’t really have much choice if any. I saw that I was not to blame for accepting what I thought was true from this big person who knew better than me. But I see also that there is no blame in the real world. I just took on what I took on and believed what I believed, knowing no better (yet!).
I also see now that I took on a big negative because my mind evolved to respond more to danger than to other things, for the other things didn’t matter compared to the issue of survival. I see why we as humans do this and how we create suffering as long as we don’t realize what happened and what is actually going on.
So, I am not to blame for it, and there is no valid thing as blame anyway.
BUT, I CREATED IT ALL
I see now that there was an event in my life that did happen. I see now that the misery I created was based on my story being placed in each moment, by me – as it certainly can’t be based on something that occurred decades ago!
I see that I kept taking my story from the past and sticking it into the present and creating a future that is from the past, repeating over and over my theme and struggle with not being good enough according to someone saying something that I interpreted to mean something that no one could prove was true then or now. My story is based on pure fiction. My story that this applied to me over my life and applies to me in the moment is a pure fiction based on an interpretation that applied only at the moment.
I see that I constantly recreated that fiction in my life over and over and over, such that it seemed to be permanently there - and, thus, true of me. But it was just a fiction there that occurred so often because I had put it there so often. Other than me, there was nothing that said it had to be that way.
MY WORD IS SO POWERFUL
I see that my word (what I think in my mind) is so powerful that it determines my life.
I chose to use my word to make it seem as if I wasn’t good enough, so that was “my truth” even though it was an illusion. I know now I was capable of doing an incredible number of things but that I kept on inserting into the space my struggles with the past, so that I had no room for creating something new and different.
HOLDING "OUT THERE" AS RESPONSBILE
I see now that my making my upbringing and my mother responsible for how I lived my life kept me in the position of "the responsibility being out there," instead of in me.
I bemoaned that my life would have been better if she wasn’t so judgmental of me. And then I stayed stuck in the story, trying to change my past, trying to prove myself worthy or unworthy of her love. I see now that the hope of ever getting her to love me again is just the hope of a child, and I’m no longer a child needing to have that to exist. Only a child has to prove something to anybody (except where it is practical, such as one’s employer).
I NOW SET IT, AND ME, FREE
I now free my mother from the burden of having judged me and being responsible for my life. She is free. And I am free of ever having to prove anything to her. I can just love her, but I need do no proving.
I now see that I don’t need to forgive my mother for anything, as she was not to blame in the first place. She had her view of life, her beliefs, her upbringing, her fears – and she did the best she could within those and said many things that were not true at all, though she thought they were and believed they were moving me in a good direction. She wasn’t “bad”; she was simply unskillful in certain areas, just as all of us humans are, since we can’t learn it all!
And to think I was paranoid about a statement that was made from a person who was simply expressing a view, one that was incomplete, untrue and erroneous in some areas. I erroneously interpreted an erroneous assertion to be a non-erroneous “truth”. Now, does that make any sense?
It certainly doesn’t make sense to run my life based on it!
I AM THE SOLE CREATOR OF IT ALL
I saw that I was no particular way, other than being a female and a few things of that nature that are purely physical. I was given some pretty good intelligence and basic capability, so I had the ability to do virtually anything anybody else could do if I learned what they knew and I had enough time to do it.
There are a few things I’ll probably never be able to do, but there are an immense number of things I can do, more than I could ever accomplish in a lifetime. From that point of view, I have unlimited possibilities (except for the time to do them!) and I can choose which to live into. I am no fixed thing. I am simply she who chooses.
I now have the freedom to be whatever I choose to create, given the benefits and costs of doing that. I see that I am no longer a little person and that life is no longer so big and scary compared to little ol’ me. I see that I am a full adult and no longer a child, no longer one who has to prove myself to anyone, ever.
I was holding to the position that someone would come along and rescue me because I was powerless and dependent and needed to be loved and cared for. Now I see where the old saying comes from where one’s life is transformed forever into being responsible and powerful when one learns that “no one is coming to the rescue”, that it is all up to me.
WHAT I SAY NOW
I was dealt these cards and I can bemoan that they weren’t better or I can play them to the max. I now choose the latter.
I leave my past in the past. I say “nonsense!” to the story of being “not good enough”!
What happened happened – and now I get to choose what to create next.
I let go of all that I thought was protecting me, and I realize that it was just distracting me in a game where I was fighting dangers that didn’t exist – they might have existed in my childish thinking, but not in reality. I see that it is irreality that creates all suffering, that it is resistance to and non-acceptance of reality that creates the suffering, that it is wishing things were different or better that causes me to put off being happy until I get those things. I see that I can just choose happiness now, for no reason.
I NOW CREATE THIS
I look forward to creating my future being full of possibilities and, yes, some “not succeeding” but full of learning.
I see life now as if I am learning to ride a bike. Yes, I’ve got to get out there to do it and, yes, I will fall down, but I will learn and be able to bike through my life, bouncing off of bumps but knowing that there is none of that fictional danger that a child makes up.
I am well off no matter what life serves me, as I will choose as best I can what I think will be the best for my future. My life is governed by me, by my choosing. My choosing creates my life. And I choose to create a wonderful life, not of perfection but from putting plenty into it.
The past is past. I now let it be so. I learned some things. I got some scrapes. I had a few good times. But now I empty my life of the past, of the false fears and proving anything to anyone, and in the empty space I insert a future that I
Yes, I don’t know exactly how that future will turn out in terms of circumstances and people, but I do know that I will add many good results to it and a great, grateful view of it all.
So that I can remember this, and since I am human and can forget or let things go to the back of my mind, I will insert into place a daily reminder in my Reminders Notebook:
“I leave my past in the past. My past is simply my past and something that no longer exists. I now create a future that is worth living. I now realize that the consequences of making mistakes from my not knowing are simply the equivalent of falling off my bike. A few skinned knees are no big deal. But riding the bike of life to as many adventurous places that I can go is what my life is about. And I am to create and live into the great possibilities I now choose to create. “
“I acknowledge that my view, my way of looking at things, my beliefs are not fixed in nature and are completely my choice. I choose to adopt and use those views, looking through those lenses, of great ways of being.
From the viewpoint of my being kind, I create actions that fit it, while feeling compassion for others and putting out there a sense of caring for the benefit of others.
I realize that my way of being, my view, determines what I feel, think, say, and do, which in turn creates the results in my life.
I also choose as a way of being being grateful for what there is in life, such that I see that there is vast abundance of good in life plus some necessary imperfections and nonperfections, but that it is all overall a big plus.
I choose this day the way of being of being calm and at peace and I so govern my day. I also creating my being nonupsettable, for it is my choice, as there is nothing worth being upset over – I simply see what is there already at the moment and then choose what best to do next.”
“I operate in life from the viewpoint of no blame, no right/wrong, no good/bad, as those are only concepts made up by mankind, into something that is unreal and not in actual existence, just a figment of the mind. I am becoming more and more of an expert at this, ever growing in my wisdom and love. Once those concepts are eliminated, I see that all that is left is to love and create.”
"I create it all. My life is only up to me. I am fully responsible for it all. I am the master of my life. I now create a future and a day that is worthy of my life."