CONTENTS
The means of punishment
Crank it up!
The beatings will continue until...
Know what you're doing and why
Learned, but unexamined
A better choice
The cost to you
Learn to do the opposite
I ask your unbreakable commitment
More: In your relationships
_____________________________________________________________
THE MEANS OF "PUNISHMENT"
I'll withdraw my affections.
I'll show him.
I'll keep on punishing him until he does what I want.
I'll throw a tantrum so I'll get what I want. (An adult version of that.)
Punishment is strictly defined as "inflicting pain on another." It is the opposite of loving. It is the height of irresponsibility.
Do you really want to be an abuser of others' emotional states?
CRANK IT UP!
And if it doesn't work I'll "crank up the volume" and increase the punishment.
The height of stupidity!
THE BEATINGS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL...
The beatings will continue until morale improves" is a famous quote of questionable origin. More importantly, the phrase is used sarcastically to indicate the counterproductive nature of punishment, and by extension, of excessive control.
It may be intended as motivation, but in the end their is at the first opportunity an uprising against the cruel dictator. Motivation is the reason, incentive, or interest in something that causes us to perform a certain action or move towards a specific goal. And we may be motivated to do something to avoid punishment, but the effect long term is almost always too great a price to pay.
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND WHY
Doing something over and over with no thought is the mindless way of living - and it doesn't work!
Unless you've studied punishment and motivation, I recommend you drop it, and replace the cruelty of it with understanding, compassion, and lovingness.
LEARNED, BUT UNEXAMINED
Yes, you did learn this from others in your environment (or at least interpreted this as being what was going on in your limited childish perception).
We do "monkey see, monkey do" behavior, called natural mirroring of what we see.
But we should be able to do better than just being a monkey, as we were given a higher brain with which to use logic and to make decisions based on reason and adequate knowledge.
Yes, you learned a model of behavior, but you have the intelligence, if you use it, to rise above that primitive level.
You also probably "learned" through your own experimentation that throwing a tantrum in the store would get you the candy previously denied you. But is that appropriate to continue as an adult or is it just a foolish conclusion from childhood.
Regardless of the source, this behavior is that of a spoiled child, trying to get what the child wants regardless of the costs to others.
A BETTER CHOICE
Yes, the latter takes you making a choice,but itt would be a very productive decision to make. It won't create others always doing what you want, but it'll be more productive than punishment will be, on average. Punishment also damages relationships.
THE COST TO YOU
But I would purport that the biggest negative effect of punishment is the effect on your own happiness.
It is against human nature to feel good about inflicting pain on another.
The effect of this negativity on one's psychology is immense.
And that is a cost I myself would not tolerate.
As they say about resentment (or lack of forgiveness) it's "like giving yourself poison and hoping the other person dies". It doesn't make any sense, and therefore you should stop doing it. Stop the insanity!!!!
Don't weaken, don't indulge yourself in the least, don't say 'just this once', as it'll kill you a little at a time every time you do it.
LEARN TO DO THE OPPOSITE
If you catch yourself doing this, do the opposite, the loving positive thiing.
It is time to grow up. That's a seemngly harsh thing to say, but it is true, so it's a kind, compassionate thing to say.
Some people struggle and gradually grow up (or not). Some people suddenly "get it" that pretending to be a powerless, dependent child does not work and that there is a bigger payoff in putting forth whatever effort and commitment it takes to be a rational, nurturing adult and tolerating no less, being determined not to let yourself down.
and punishing self is not a great idea.
I ASK YOUR UNBREAKABLE COMMITMENT
This is such a grievous behavior and viewpoint, that I ask you to do a 100% commitment to
___ Not use punishment (inflict pain intentionally) to try to motivate anyone
I do this on this ___ day of ______________________, __________, for the good of others and for myself.
Signed ________________________
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
I was in a relationship where all of these forms of punishing were employed (See the self-checking Behaviors And Practices I Do In Our Relating.):
Withholding affection, loveBeing unforgivingBeing unacceptingNaggingThreateningUsing the past as a proof or a weapon Gunnysacking of grievances
No one could convince her that it didn't work. And therefore the relationship was unworkable because of the extent she engaged in it.
Don't enter into a relationship if you do this or if the other person does it. It just won't work. It is a form of abuse, though it is often unconscious - and it should never be done!!!!
In Behaviors, Realizations, and Commitments, Nailing Down What You Understand And Are Committed To, it asks if you are "Manipulating through being mad or through tears, as this is a childish way of punishing or getting attention and should be stopped, now and forever - and then it asks for a commitment.
In Solving The Relationship Problems, it points out that people need to ask "what do I really want? Punishment or resolution?"
In The Role Of Expectations In Life And In Relationships, it is pointed out that we often punish others for not meeting some unrealistic expectation, failing to show appreciation, especially as what gets invested in "being right" about how the other person should be punished, which, in turn, closes out the possibility for appreciation - and the loss is great and very sad.
In Behavioral Choices, it asks one to choose clearly, so that one differentiates so strongly that one would not allow the other choices!
INFLICTING PAIN ON ANOTHER TO GET A RESULT
FROM A CHILDISH BELIEF
They'll pay!
In the same syndrome and fantasy type thinking, people will spend time trying to get even and to teach a lesson to people by having them suffer somehow by inflicting pain themselves or from some outside but "righteous" force.
The nasty cousin of this is "how could anyone forgive that man, for he did unspeakable things to me!" Sometimes, even after the "perpetrator" is dead the resenter will be stuck in blaming them, as if that behavior could ever have some positive effect. This is vague and wrong thinking.
And, of course, the "victim" ends up feeling bad and incurs a personal cost, unintentionally inflicted on themselves by themselves!
To realize the truth of "no fault" can be the critical step for letting go of the self-torture.
Integral
Also Related
