A relationship depends on the benefits each of us receives from the relationship.  

Often, and at least prominently, they are based on "feeling good". 

And a good portion of what has us feel good is based on simple minded non-thinking in the primitive mind - and relationships are one of the areas most affected by this, since they have high importance to the survival function.  (As in other pieces, the idea is to engage the higher mind using logic and facts to examine and correct as much as possible of the primitive beliefs, many of which are still taught in our society.)

REJECTION BY ASSOCIATION (A form of "guilt by association")

So a very nice couple experiences financial stress for many years.  The primitive brain, unless there is other substantial contradicting input, will associate whatever happens together or whatever happens with whoever is present at the time.   It simply stores what happens, with some kind of emotional value and safety attached to it. 

[In "logic", this is called making the mistake of correlation, which is relating two things as if they cause each other when actually they are simply coincidental, occurring at the same time.  The classic mistake is "never mistake correlation for causation", though many of us do!]

You may have a good point to make that the other person should know, but if the process is frequent and feels negative to the other person, the unpleasantness will become associated with you - and the person will not "like" you as much. 


It is vital that you understand and accept that the actual operation of the mind is simply mechanistic.  It is only  a machine.   True, it is a very, very, very, very sophisticated one, but it is still only a machine.  If we do not understand this, then we'll get all the problems that we'd get from trying to operate any machine without knowing how it works.

"But I'm a good person, he/she should love me."   Yes, it is true that goodness is a positive association, but it is not sufficient by itself and it doesn't, in the real world, guarantee anything.  It is simply a false belief. 


In friendships, if one is not even disagreeable but one talks about problems all the time, there will be a negative association and the person will not realize why he/she is losing friends (except for those who seem to need to talk about those kinds of things).   If you are great in all other ways, the positive association may not be enough.

Some very strong associations, since they had us survive better, relate to attractive people and to powerful, strong people.    In the primitive times, the alpha (powerful) status of a male indicated he would be good for procreation, which is a dominant survival mechanism in our brain.   (Read the piece on Evolution and understand it, as it is very helpful to know how and why we do what we do.  Ignorance of this is costly.)

Physically attractive people will be, for unknown reasons coming from within, more popular.  People will not see "the inner me" and "how good I am" if one is fat or unkempt.  There is, in fact, no justice - there is only how things work - and that is all part of it.

If Person A, in his/her earnestness,  is often correcting Person B, which might cause  Person B to "feel" "attacked".   (Actually "feeling attacked" is a thought accompanied by a bad "feeling.")   The primitive mind 'feels' as if it is less competent and is therefore threatened survival-wise (again evolution).   You may wish to modify your behavior after you read  No Payoff Convincing, Persuading, Correcting - Or A Negative Payoff.


Remember this "guilt by association" and avoid it.  And then create the opposite using the fact of the primitive brain's simplistic association to create your being associated with good stuff that makes people feel good toward you and thus "value you" [they're actually valuing that they feel good and that you are the instrument that helped deliver that benefit - they love the benefits - but the good side is that you are delivering benefits to another person and you get to keep them around to deliver benefits to you...].