What is realistic?
The two barriers
Guess who most of it is up to
The best solution to get the best relationship
Totally achievable if you use the success formula
WHAT IS REALISTIC?
So, you read the positive thinking books in relationships and it looks like you will be "re-parenting" each other to make up for the less than skillful parenting of your parents. Or you'll be "loved deeply" and "revered" as the great holy partner by your partner.
Well, don't hold your breath waiting for the great results.
THE TWO BARRIERS
There are two barriers ot being able to "get" these results:
1. We simply don't know how to do it well enough.
2. And we each have other conflicts of attention, so we can't devote all the time to it that we would ideally like to. (and...we never will!)
GUESS WHO MOST OF IT IS UP TO
We learn in basic life seminars one of the great secrets that when one realizes it is true causes one to be vastly more powerful. A sentence of ten two letter words, amazingly enough. (If it is to be, it is up to me.)
It is up to each individual to do his own "re-parenting", which is essentially being kind to oneself and using the positive interaction with oneself. IT IS NOT UP TO YOUR PARTNER TO DO THAT!
It is up to each of us to fill ourselves up with enough love and satisfaction - and to only have what you get from your partner as a bonus. Read Give To Yourself What Is Needed. And you must absolutely know that Anger does not work at all, in the least, AND it creates great harm - it is appropriate to get this way of looking at things totally solved and replace with the No Blame paradigm.
THE BEST SOLUTION TO GET THE BEST RELATIONSHIP
The only way to have a great relationship is to have two aware partners who are whole and complete - or at least one of them - namely YOU. The road to great relationships lies in "know thyself" and know alot about personal psychology. Relationships are simply two people's psychology bumping into each other - or enhancing each other.
So, the road to having what you want in a relationship is just this:
1. Determine what you would want.
2. Determine what is realistically possible AND what, of that, you can provide for
yourself. Then redecide what you really need from the relationship. Use a
3. See where you are in capability.
4. Learn, learn, learn (and do it aggressively, immersing yourself as completely as
possible, until you get to where you "know" you are skilled enough to get most
of the results reasonably attainable)
5. Practice, practice, practice
6. Set rules you never break - such as
A. Always do a time out when upset and not able to be constructive.
B. Never ever say anything you know is mean or hurtful (and clean up anything
totally if you slip, as it is unacceptable to leave something as precious as your
partner in a damaged condition)
TOTALLY ACHIEVABLE IF YOU USE THE SUCCESS FORMULA
Having a great relationship (assuming you have a willing partner, which is vital) is totally achievable.
The process is to note down the following and be aware of these two "places":
Where I am <-- Gap --> Where I want to be
Then determine that you will do what is necessary to fill the gap and then do it:
Where I am --> Learn --> Practice --> Do --> Get what I want
The part that most people fall short on is the "learning". You can't achieve a desired result if you don't "do the homework" (and if you don't take the actions). Period.
So, please, please, please, do your homework - until you've gotten to the point of capability that you know is right.