roles, childhood decisions, the skill to tell the differenc between what is and isn't actually true.
Anger is seldom justified in today's environment nor in relationships. If you allow yourself to get angry it is totally about you, not about the other person, except in very, very, very rare instances.
"If you are not afraid, there is no way you will get mad at me."
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
We have it miswired! We think anger will provide a benefit, which is totally a misconception and misunderstanding (unless you are being physically attacked).
You are merely seeking to find someone to blame, deflecting responsibility to another person, as a strategy you learned as a child. You have blame miswired, too. And we fail to understand that anger is really a secondary reaction to the actual emotion that comes first: fear. And it only has one purpose: to quell a real threat, in reality. Notice, it is for having the power to handle a real threat, which is actually a threat of physical harm. Beyond that, we are misusing and abusing it and ourselves and anyone else in the firing line.
Anger expressed is not a "clearing away" but a wiring in, deeper, to be repeated more easily and with a lower threshold...
DAMAGING WITH NO BENEFIT
Anger DOES NOT PROVIDE THE BENEFIT WE THINK IT DOES. We use it in IGNORANCE. It has a specific very, very limited usefulness that a mature person should be clear about.
Anger is damaging - For oneself, for one's body, and for others.
I repeat: Anger is damaging.
No benefit in most cases plus lots of damages, obviously, means it must be stopped!!!!
STOP (MIS)USING IT!
If something isn't useful, then it makes sense not to do it anymore.
Insanity: Since anger doesn't produce good results most of the time, to
continue using it to try to get good results is insane.
Eliminate the critic for yourself - and for others - it's devastating to your happiness - and unnecessary!
Never again seriously blame yourself or others.
Know also that anger is a secondary emotion, resulting from fear.
1. Realizing that, and stopping the behavior because one knows that it is not
useful for addressing the fear, is the first step.
2. The next, to complete it, is to address and cure the fear, using the
processes set forth herein to eliminate the fear and the primitively
incorrect "reasoning" that leads to anger.
Read this completely and I'll bet your anger problem will disappear!
DISCUSSION: THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR ON THE PLANET
From impulse control to false beliefs, this is one of the most destructive behaviors known to mankind.
At its base are a number of "wrong ideas" about threats and protecting ourselves against those illusional threats. The belief that this is effective is a complete myth, but holding the belief keeps one trapped in using it as a device (or weapon), completely dysfunctionally.
The "Protector/Critic" Imagined Persona - The benefits, the misconceptions, and the harm. (Principle: Thou shalt not believe in bullbleep!)
We develop a "Protector/Critic" imagined persona - and then we justify its behaviors. It is self destructive, as it hurts our health but more importantly it hurts and can even ruin our lives and our outlooks - anger definitely excludes happiness Yes, some people do get an emotional charge out of the blood flowing from the adrenaline and/or from making themselves right, but the effect is short term, much like taking drugs.
In the long term, it also hurts those we care about, as their mental states and their health are affected tremendously by the anger's direct effects but also by the indirect effects of feeling alienated and at odds.
Since this is a "looking back" behavior, focusing on the past, it is damaging in that it causes the loss of what we could create by "looking forward" and creating what we really want.
Yes, we may be disappointed, but there is no justification for the anger other than the false belief that there is..
Subtle forms of damaging anger
Many of those who are angry do not recognize it, because it doesn't look like the extremes on tv or it is not physical. And these people are emotionally abusive even though, if they were conscious of making a choice, they would never deliberately choose to abuse another person. Angry outbursts, emotional tirades, spouting diatribes about the other's faults/mistakes/offenses, etc., all are very hurtful to others.
It is a childish, stupid way to try to control others. There is no evidence that it helps control others, beyond a short term burst at most.
Much as second hand smoke hurts others, even while just sitting in a car with a person who is negatively evaluating other drivers as having committed offenses, being rude, deliberately cutting them off, being stupid. Such behaviors move others thoughts to the negative side - and who would want to ruin another's happiness deliberately? Calling clerks incompetent and asking what's wrong with other people, even just focussing on what's wrong (with a hotel, food, life, something done, etc.) pollutes the psychological air and drains the energy from other people.
"Controlling Anger' Vs. Not Having It In The First Place
Although we talk extensively about "controlling" anger, the only really good choice is to never, ever, ever express anger inappropriately. Indeed, though some believe that "venting" anger is healthy, it is actually proven not to be - it actually increases anger and the intensity of anger in the future. We must understand our emotions and go much deeper to what is causing the same reaction we are programmed to do from the caveman days when confronted by tigers who may kill us. We must commit to never, ever, ever damaging others and ourselves with the inappropriate expression of anger.
What It Does To The Brain
Angry expression creates stronger connections in the brain for anger and it depletes the connections for happiness (see the studies). It increases the likelihood of your finding fault, being hypersensitive, being frazzled, etc., while decreasing the ability for enjoyment and feeling good.
Too huge a cost. Too great a price to pay, especially for its imagined payoffs, which disappear in a short period of time.
A recommended approach: As in any of the sections but especially here, I recommend you read the "Learning (Overview) Modules" pieces near the beginning of each section of interest and/or related material, possibly returning later to read in more depth. Having an overview and a better grounding can help to make the individual pieces you read and the exercises you do more effective and understandable. The "Internal Conversations" section is one which probably ever person on the planet should complete in order to have a much better foundation for living a life!!!
And, remember, please:
"WHAT YOU DO NOT COMPLETE, YOU ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT!!!"
To be added shortly. Meanwhile, follow the key learning modules and read the relevant pieces for a thorough grounding. See the BLAME, FORGIVENESS LEARNING PLAN for now, under
Probably more useful for an overview and picking what to read:
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF THE BLAME/RESENTMENT/ANGER SYNDROME
understand the basic overview in psychology and in relationships. This should clear up which
part of you needs to be in charge and will add insights that will help you see how certain
practices and ways of viewing things will enhance your life tremendously.
having power from the anger, usually they are actually operating from a victim stance.
A free discussion using the clearly correct principles. Angry people at first may not buy this
because of justifications and beliefs that support their anger. But, believe me, I've studied
these concepts carefully and the material presented in this webinar is what is accurate, not an
angry person's primitive, outdated, inappropriate beliefs.
ACCEPTANCE - The need for it and the way to it. With this, anger and blame
themselves as having power from the anger, usually they are actually operating
from a victim stance.
Other useful pieces:
what compassion really is, rating yourself as you go. Most people don't know
what compassion really is!
"being angry" is a choice.
Being - Ways Of - Examples of various ways of being you could choose, ones that
technique for individuals who are expressing anger or criticism, as they are often
out of touch with their feelings. Being aware of feelings, beyond anger, is
immensely helpful for managing one's emotions.
HOW DOES ONE MANAGE HIS/HER EMOTIONS?
Using these techniques, which have been proven over and over to work, will help you live a more stable, more powerful life where the emotions no longer rule. Managing one's emotions well can enhance one's motivation and one's thinking so that one is actually and feels very powerful and effective.
GROUNDING SUMMARY MODULES - To put this and overall life into perspective
Know this area also, for perspective and deeper understanding.
OUR "PERSONAS" - INNER CHILD, OUTER CHILD, ADULT, ADOPTED PERSONALITIES
Knowing this model and how these pieces work together can make the difference
between operating at a lower level and operating at the highest in life and for
happiness. We derived certain strategies and beliefs that were very poorly thought
out and are very dysfunctional - and it is our job to use this model and process to
elevate them to highly functional. LOOK AT THIS FIRST.