Key points summary
What is "upset"?
So, when we are upset...
Then cure the cause
Are we a victim of it?
A wonderful thing!
Use wisely and appropriately
You are the creator! Congratulations!
The sure signs of it
Who's running the show?
And the name of those chemicals is "upset"
The pathway out
Go into battle?
What do I do from here
You are 100% the creator of upset, it doesn't just happen to you nor are you the victim of another person.
Upset is simply a "great" sign, as it lets you know you are out of balance.
It is strictly a chemical thing.
Long term, we can cure the cause by handling the beliefs/viewpoints. See
Short term, we can handle the symptoms, not letting the damage continue - and return to functionality, to full homeostasis. This skill we must, absolutely must, learn, for dwelling in upset is dwelling in suffering and chemical damage while the body is reacting. See below.
WHAT IS "UPSET"?
"No, I'm not upset, I'm just mad at you!"
That is upset!
Definition: To disturb the functioning of:
A process going toward a goal.
Symptoms: Rampant body chemicals, disorganization, disorder, confusion, loss of balance or stability, fight/flight/freeze response, partial insanity
The Opposite: High functioning, balance, homeostasis, sanity, literally calmness
SO, WHEN WE ARE UPSET...
When we are upset we are not functioning well (as we are caught up in an inevitable human process/cycle), so it makes sense to not continue that way, as we want to go to the opposite, to create the opposite of that.
1. Stop (pause)
2. Breathe deeply and slowly (opposite of rapid, shallow breathing for fight/flight),
relaxing the body (letting go)
3. Look (recommend to write these down)
Scan body for sensations (feelings, tightness, jitteriness, etc.)
Identify the emotion. Name it.
Identify the thought.
4. Rebalance to calmness
Substitute the opposite, realistic thought, and/or
Read, or recite from memory, your rebalancing thought statements
Be sure body is relaxed (letting go of all tension) and breathing slowly,
5. Decide, rationally, what to do next, mostly just proceeding on to something else
or solving the cause of the upset (see below). (Asking a question engages the
higher brain automatically. "What is best to do next? How can I solve this?")
Both 2 and 3 engage attention, taking it from the upsetting thoughts, which throw off our functioning, and they also send signals to the upset-causing system (amygdala) that we are in control and safe.
This applies to all situations (and upsetting emotions) and to all interactions with people. Stop, do not proceed, do not go past "Go", look, engage rational brain, decide rationally, then act (mostly don't do the reactive response!). Simple!!! Do it!!! Always!!! Now and forever!!!! For the rest of your life!!! [It is a major life tool, without which happiness cannot be attained.]
THEN CURE THE CAUSE
If we cure the cause, then we no longer have to repeatedly suffer the consequences (the problem, the resulting symptoms). For the best results, it is best to look and see what caused the upset (the thought, not the trigger) and to create a permanent change in the belief/thought that caused it, plus institute a new strategy.
ARE WE A VICTIM OF IT?
People often speak of upset as something that "just happens to" them. It sounds as if they are the "victim" of it.
But they aren't the victim of it. They are, instead, the instigator of it, misusing one of the wonderful capabilities of mankind.
A WONDERFUL THING!
How is this a wonderful capability?
It is a function built into the body to give off signs that something is out of balance (out of homeostasis) and to indicate that we better do something to get it back into balance. It helped us survive! Our body survives better when it can function at the optimum, which is what it does when it is in balance. (Anything we do to upset the balance will cause us problems, including even our sugar balance!)
It's like gravity. It is something to respect in that it is a good idea not to violate the rules which cause us bad consequences. And it is something to be grateful for, as in the case of gravity it holds us and all of our possessions down to the ground, plus it is what causes us to be able to make electricity, etc.
USE WISELY AND APPROPRIATELY
Any body reaction to adjust for potential danger is a blessing because it causes us to do something to adjust to it. And, if we have sufficient wisdom, we will do the right thing. If we don't have sufficient wisdom, we might do the wrong thing and be heeding the signal incorrectly, causing even more damage.
YOU ARE THE CREATOR! CONGRATULATIONS!
It's not something that "happens to you", it is something that you cause (you create!).
You create it by the thoughts you create and believe in, your lack of control of reasoning power, and what you do.
The circumstance or the person involved is not the creator of the upset, they are merely just present at the moment and available to which to attach old recordings from the brain. Again, as I say over and over on this site, if any other person (who is sane) would react differently than you to that circumstance or person, then it is you who created that reaction (upset) that occurred.
It's The Principle Of The Hot Stove: "If it burns when you touch it, stop touching it and you'll not be burnt."
You can choose to be the (powerless) victim of upset or you can choose to simply be "at cause over the matter", in-charge. (The latter can be "installed" as a way of being when we decide that we will no longer be a child but will be fully in the role of a rational, nurturing adult.)
THE SIGNS OF IT
The indicators of victimhood and misassigning the responsibility and cause are:
"Being hurt" - Saying "he/she/it hurt me".
In learning about victimhood and responsibility, we accept the truth that it is not anything "out there" that determines one's feeling.
Saying "I feel hurt"
Hurt is actually a set of beliefs on 'why' you feel the pain, and the set of beliefs are the cause of the pain; the "pain" is actually fear, which is the "feeling" or emotion of it.
"The upset is hurting me"
Here we have a confusion in terms, resulting from a vagueness and lack of thinking rigor. The "hurt" is the upset, not the result of it. We are not the victim of the hurt, it is not "doing it to us", we are merely experiencing a chemical discomfort that we caused in the first place. We are "in charge" of the cause (not of the wiring, per se, as that is just part of our body systems).
Arguing for and/or justifying why you 'should be' upset
A victim argues for why the thing is bad. Maybe it's for sympathy or the desire, like a child, to be told "everything is ok, I don't blame you for being upset. The non-victim (the responsible adult) will simply look forward, noting the current situation and then deciding what to do about it (and then doing it) to get the desired result. See Breakdown Breakthrough Form.
IT WOULD MAKE SENSE TO DO SOME LEARNING!
If we want to no longer experience much upset, we must learn how to operate our body and emotion system.
There are two parts to learn.
1. How not to cause an inappropriate, unnecessary upset in the first place!
2. To deal appropriately with upsets that do happen, so as not to create damage.
It seems that many of us don't do so well on either of these, as the evidence indicates that we are "in upset" a pretty high amount of the time.
WHO'S RUNNING THE SHOW?
We are letting our primitive brain (Dumb and Dumber) run the show.
We have created all sorts of false threats (i.e. beliefs that say we are threatened in the case of whatever occurs, when in fact we are not actually physically threatened).
And with all those false threats to watch out for, the primitive brain is in hyper-gear, like those guys on stage who have twenty plates spinning on the end of sticks, trying to keep them upright and be aware of them all at once (inevitably a plate falls or the guy drops out of exhaustion).
We activate the alarm system to cause us to get into action to handle any perceived threat. Our body then goes into the mode to cause a remedying action, emitting uncomfortable chemicals to cause us to handle the body being out of balance so it can be returned to balance. (All emotions are just chemicals that are felt physically. Enlightened people see that and dismiss them with a "that's nice" or a "so what" and then they simply move to solve it without any further upset! [I recommend that highly!].)
AND THE NAME OF THOSE CHEMICALS IS "UPSET"
We call those uncomfortable chemicals, in this case, "upset". Then, because of our conditioning (beliefs) that we either can't handle upsets (so things will get worse) and/or that "upsets are bad", we get more upset about being upset. But it makes no sense to be upset about upset as the process itself is a good useful process that helped us survive! (You can't put out a fire by dousing it with gasoline!)
You might notice that "there is something wrong with this picture" of getting upset about upset. It certainly is dysfunctional - and it is not contributing to what we want, as it is taking us further away from balance (homeostasis).
The more we do this in excess, the more the body becomes damaged and the more the brain becomes conditioned to be a bit paranoid, seeing problems where there are no actual, real problems. As the brain becomes more paranoid, more overreactions create more body damage, which contributes to our brains not getting what they need to function well...and so on, in a downward cycle - a cycle we must stop and say "no more!" to.
THE PATHWAY OUT
Learning about our psychology and how our body and brain operate provides us with the path out of this. We must learn to dump, delete, eliminate, eradicate, etc., these false beliefs of threat (using The Process For Changing Beliefs). And when we do, things work rather well in our brain and in our life, as our body and mind do what they are capable of - having us thrive - as we go into an upward spiraling. What we are talking about here is eliminating the cause as being the most effective way to handle this, so it doesn't occur unnecessarily in the first place. It is best to develop and use the proper process and skill of Problem Solving, so that we can apply this tool to all areas of our life to make life much, much better. Not knowing proper problem solving allows many unnecessary problems to occur and/or persist!
GO INTO BATTLE?
Often, we actually create a little (or big) battle out of it.
We fight the upset rather than curing it.
We seek to "relieve" the discomfort by thrashing out at "the cause".
People actually, and totally illogically, become angry at the perceived cause (the circumstance or person). However, "anger" is a mechanism that has evolved to mobilize us to handle an actual physical threat. If there is no actual physical threat, then we're playing a self-created game, and, ironically, losing the game that we created! (How stupid is that!??!!!)
You can't battle a circumstance. You can't battle yourself (so it is nonsensical to "be angry with yourself"). You can't battle another person's ignorance or inappropriate reactions! You can't battle beliefs!
You can only appropriately, logically, deal with the situation and all of its elements in order to create a solution. And if you are very wise you will learn more about this AND you will deal with the elements BEFORE the predictable situation occurs, so that it won't occur in the first place! (Duh!)
In Beliefs 101 (which you must absolutely know and believe to live a good life), we learn that the cause is not the so-called "trigger", as that is a neutral event by itself, but what we attach to the trigger and what it means to us (the meaning: me caveman, me fight, me kill, me survive - but there is no real (major) threat!!!!!!) is the cause.
Yes, it is helpful to deal with upset by saying affirmations such as "I am calm and peaceful" or reinforcing statements such as "this will pass" or "this is no big deal", but the real juice will come from solving the root cause.
As you'll, hopefully, learn, it is better to replace an old untrue, damaging belief with a new true, healthy belief than it is to just keep on dealing with the old belief! (Duh!)
Upset is just a wonderful capability of the body and not something to be upset about. We just need to solve any unnecessary cause so that our bodies and our lives will be vastly better off. We need to never, ever, ever, ever allow ourselves to be the victim of the upset, ever, ever, ever!!!!!
WHAT DO I DO FROM HERE
You would learn more about "upset", so that you could deal with it better and preferably virtually eradicate it. This, of course, is what we deal with in the Emotion Management section, so you should become an expert in that.
You should also decide once and for all to shed any of the traits or habits or actions of victimhood.