LEARNING PLAN - What to do to learn this vital knowledge and install it into your life.


Commonly discussed but seldom really learned and used appropriately, it is vital to become very knowledgeable about the other's gender characteristics - and even your own, so that you'll better understand how to cope and/or adjust to them and/or to accept them.  We stop at acknowledging that Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus (John Gray)

Alison Armstrong says, after seeing that she turned princes into frogs, that she embarked on a three month study to understand men.   It actually took her about 15 years and now she teaches about understanding men (and understanding women) - which is vital know how!  People love the results of her workshops. 

Ellen Kriedman (How To Light His Fire, How To Light Her Fire) teaches how to have a great relationship without having to do marriage counseling.  She simplifies and then elaborates.  For instance, key headlines are:

     "A man is physical, a woman is psychological."
     "He's visual, she's verbal."
Denying or making any of these wrong can often be fatal (or, at the least, quite harmful) to a good relationship. Using these as an excuse is also unworkable - for man/womankind are fully capable of more than their basic wiring.  Using these to limit what one can do is a tragedy, depriving one of some of the best experiences in life. 

The objective is to compassionately understand the wiring so that the understanding can help in creating a great, sharing, loving relationship.  

Caution - remember that not all gender based traits are true of every person - people vary, though knowing the underlying basics is an excellent starting point that has great value by itself.

The "significant other" relationship is formed for one reason only:  to fill each other's needs in a way that can not occur in other types of relationships.  Yet we fail to do that.   In addition to reading the pieces below, see the section on Loving and Being Loved

Learn how important it is to commit to no behavior that is other than kind and tender and to ask for what you want in a clear and workable way, doing "happy negotiating" easily and pleasurably.  Learn how to give to the other in a way that works.  (Look at the necessary agreements that can make an intimate relationship work and see how willing you, and your partner, are.)


Even if the following says "for men" or "for women", it is still useful to read for the opposite sex, for greater understanding and to let the other gender know if that is or is not true for you.

For both:

Any relevant piece in the Relationship section, but especially the Loving And Being Loved

For men

What A Woman Wants In A Relationship - Plus an acknowledgement of what benefits are provided to a man in this type of relationship.  What to avoid, what works and doesn't work, what they fear and we fear, etc.   Includes, also shown separately below,
      This Is My Commitment To You, My Dearest 
      What A Woman Provides In A Relationship 
      What A Man Does That Does Not Work And/Or Is Harmful 
What To Commit To To Be A Success As A Male Partner - This is what to do to be successful, including the commitment that is to be made if you really want to show you care. 
Become An Expert At Pleasing Your Woman - Not in order to "get" something, but to show your love, consider these.  Remember to read the books suggested on the subject, below.

Additional basic information on women:

Friendship Among Women - An Extra Difference Instead Of Fight/Flight Emotions - The biological
  reason that ameliorates women's stress response.

For women

What A Man Wants In A Relationship - What a woman asks of the man.  This includes, also shown       separately below,
         This Is My Commitment To You, My Dearest
         What A Man Provides In A Relationship
         What A Man Fears In A Relationship
         The Deadly Sins Of A Woman
Become An Expert At Pleasing Your Man 
      LOVING WOMAN - THE TRULY LOVING WOMAN - BY HER! - Written by a woman who is
          truly loving.  Wonderfully inspiring in just a few words.


Other than surviving and self-care, relationships are the most rewarding part of life for most people, ifit is done skillfully and wisely.   Many of our fears stem from not being loved, seen, appreciated, cared for, approved of, etc.  (The fears need to be dealt with by the individual, though, without depending on the perfect relationship - which ironically leads to a much more rewarding relationship!  See Fear/Anxiety section.)  Because this area is uniquely so important and close that it triggers all of our stuff, we must learn and then commit to high understanding, wisdom, and only respectful, loving behaviors. 

FOR BOTH - See Relationships, Learning/Mastering for the overall.

     What Is Needed To Be Learned In Relationships - Overview - A quick one page summary of
        what should be known to have a good relationship.   Use this as the central things to learn, as
         a "plan" for learning, if you will. 


For now, until the more detailed plan is set, read the summaries on this site and read the recommended books.


For now, until the more detailed plan is set, read the summaries on this site and read the recommended books. 

RESOURCES - Buy their materials, attend their workshops, utilize their services.  

                      See also the Relationship Resources section, which goes beyond this topic.

Alison Armstrong - Many workshops for women on understanding men (since women are the ones who do this type of thing.  A couples retreat/workshop is available, and highly recommended.  She and her trainers are great at creating understanding and what works. 
Ellen Kriedman - Transform your marriage without counseling.  The author of How To Light His Fire and How To Light Her Fire. 
Marty Friedman - He discovered what he was doing, just in time to transform and save his relationship.  Consider reading his book and/or attending a workshop.  


For both

    The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate, Gary Chapman
             See Men's special edition also.
    His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr.
    Exposing Men - Understanding Their 5 Life Challenges, Robert Simpson - Order from their site
        (  Although this is about men, it is good to read this to understand some
        of the deeper issues for men, along with some stories and exercises about how to deal with
        them.  This will create a greater understanding and much more compassion, along  with a
        more efficient way of dealing with your man, accepting that he is limited compared to the
        breadth of a woman.

For women:


   The Proper Care And Feeding Of A Husband, Dr. Laura Schlessinger
   How To Light His Fire, Elllen Kriedman
   Making Sense of Men, Kevin Leman
   IT'S A GUY THING, David Deida - One of the best experts on men.  Remember, though,
       that not everything is true of every man, so check it out!


   The Complete Idiot's Guide To Pleasing Your Man, Eve Salinger

A review from Amazon, included here for the revelation this kind of knowledge can create for the woman who is willing to do what it takes:

Getting the Love & Affection I Need From Men Has Never Been Easier!, November 24, 2008
By P. McKinley "PMK"  - See all my reviews
If you have ever been frustrated or confused by men, read this book! Before learning the information in this book I felt hopeless about my relationships with men. After reading this book and learning about how men respond to women I realized that I can inspire the behavior that I want and need from men. If this book can help me it can help anyone. It is a funny, quick-read that's filled with useful insights and information. Alison Armstrong has cracked the code and figured men out. If you have teenage daughters please consider allowing them to read this book. They will learn about the kind of attraction that gets men's attention vs. the kind that gets their affection. Having this information could save them years of heartache and instead create an opportunity for them to have fulfilling, satisfying relationships with men for the rest of their lives. This is essential reading for all women. Enjoy! Making Sense of Men: A Woman's Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men

For men:


   The Proper Care And Feeding Of A Marriage, Dr. Laura Schlessinger
   How To Light Her Fire, Ellen Kriedman
   Pleasing Your Woman In And Out Of Bed, Daylle Deanna Schwartz
  The Five Love Languages (Men's edition), Gary Chapman (Subtitle: How  To Express Heartfelt
        Commitment To Your Mate)


    The Complete Idiot's Guide To Pleasing Your Woman, Eve Salinger      

In process, but highly usable.


Read this short and meaningful piece:
The Truly Loving Woman, By Her 

Read The Truly Loving Man