Part of the POWER page list of potential barriers to power. Discussed as one of the keys to
PERHAPS THE MOST POWERFUL OF ALL
1. Good/effective control - Without which a great life is not possible, as one will be unable to cause the getting of what one wants in life.
2. "Bad"/ineffective/harmful control - Which MUST be stopped, as stopping it massively frees one's time and effort from from useless/harmful wastes of time from:
a. Trying to control the uncontrollable (time wasted, plus unnecessary upset)
b. Repairing or fixing problems and/or harm allowed from lack of control
c. Lots of low value time
d. Freeing up oneself from the impediments of lack of faith/trust and/or
confidence in one's behavior/self
The net effect from changing this area is huge - and it is what will transform one's life incredibly. Changing your control effectiveness level will greatly increase freedom, happiness, relationship satisfaction, and personal power.
You must read the discussion below and learn and study about this, until you get to the point of "high control" in life.
This control is not "rigid" or "hard". It is a 360 degree viewing of life which considers our human limitations and feeds our needs for relaxation, rejuvenation, entertainment, preserving our emotional well-being and strength...and all of that which makes life happier and more satisfying. [In other words, it is nothing to be afraid of, as it is a "soft, smart" control, not the misuse of control that causes so many people to live half-lived, tough lives. Learn about "effective, smart" control so that you will see how great it feels!]
Attempting to control the largely uncontrollable and to control the no or low payoff areas is a huge, huge, huge waste of time and effort - and the lack of good results undermines one's confidence - which, in turn, undermines one's emotional well-being and makes one less effective in life! Master the proper use of control and you'll gain vast energy, productivity, and effectiveness in life!!!!! And as you apply control to what is controllable your confidence soars!
The purpose of control is to cause and/or enable one to get the most of the benefits one wants in life. Being "not in control" of the controllable appears appealing, but it doesn't work. So the goal here is to develop strategies that work to produce more effective control so that we can get the most happiness and fulfillment and satisfaction out of life.
FOLLOW THIS PATH:
___ Read the discussion after the table of contents, below.
___ Determine what you want to get from having high control in your life.
___ Learn and understand what makes control more effective and how to do it.
___ Learn/understand what makes effective control easier
___ Learn/understand what the barriers and reducers for effective control are
and how to eliminate/reduce them!
___ Implement that "high control", noticing where improvements can be made
and making them.
___ Live the greatest life, at a level far above what you might imagine.
The Costs Related To Control
Definitely Give Up The Illusion Of Control
Rules related to control
Give Up Trying To Totally Control Outcomes
Your responsibility, boundary
Give up trying to control others
Know you are not in control and it is a losing battle to try
Accept Reality Or Resist It? Making the better choice
Control in life and relationships
*A Sense Of Control
Choosing What To Control And What Not To Control!
Controlling The Emotions In The Body
THE COSTS RELATED TO CONTROL
When we overestimate or believe we have control over a circumstance or person, we end up wasting lots of time and energy for virtually no production of a result. This also frustrates us.
Martin Seligman was the discoverer of "learned helplessness", which is what results from an animal or a person trying to exert control over something but not succeeding - and then concluding that he/she/it has no control and therefore there is no reason to try. A version of both frustration and learned helplessness results from a person thinking he/she should have control over something that he/she actually has no or little control over and experiencing frustration and concluding one is ineffective, so "why try?" This is "learned helplessness."
But the effect does not stop there. One's esteem of oneself and confidence that one can create results in the world diminishes considerably, setting up a passive victim or blamer way of being. This has ravishing emotional effects and destroys the quality of life. Learning that one does have the ability to create results, perhaps through education of what to do plus the experience of actually trying raises one's esteem and confidence - and resurrects the human being. (The reason one is to use judgment as to when not to rescue a child is so that the child can experience trying and failing and trying and succeeding until the child develops a realistic view of his/her ability to be effective.)
DEFINITELY GIVE UP THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL - FINALLY AND CLEARLY
We believe we can control things that we can’t actually control, such as:
We spend a huge amount of effort trying to control the uncontrollable.
Correspondingly, if we stop it, we can free up a huge amount of energy and space for living a greater, happier life. Giving up this illusion will also provide a huge emotional relief.
Giving it up allows us much time to redirect our efforts to areas that we can actually control and create a positive effect through. The key to getting more value out of life is directing our efforts toward what really matters and where one can make a bigger difference, as discussed in The Productivity Section.
1. Try to control only what you can.
2. Stop trying to control what you can’t.
___ I hereby give up the illusion of control over that which is not controllable (or only a little controllable), now and forever.
___ I hereby choose to control that which is controllable - and to learn and know what is controllable plus learn how to control the controllable.
___ I choose first to control that which is of the most benefit.
___ I list out what is of the most benefit and then set a strategy to control
___ I list out what is not controllable and that which is not worth controlling
- and I stop trying to control those (or pay attention to them)
GIVE UP TRYING TO CONTROL OUTCOMES
Let’s face it: Life is unpredictable and outcomes are uncontrollable.
You control only your actions (efforts) and your thoughts. You cannot control outcomes.
All you can do is put whatever efforts are needed into producing the result you desire, but then you must accept that the outcome itself may be one of several possible outcomes, which are often out of your hands.
Why do we expect to control the uncontrollable?
It’s a basic way of thinking that came out of childhood thinking – things should happen as we expect or it’s a big threat to our survival. (For why we see it this way, see www.thelifemanagementalliance.com, Psychology, Emotion Management, THREATS AND FEAR .)
However, the facts do not bear this out.
In no way is it truly a matter of survival.
We expect that the past will almost always repeat itself. Clearly that is not realistic.
We also create unrealistic expectations (e.g. my prince, or princess, will always be so loving and we’ll just make love like rabbits for the rest of our lives; my spouse must always…) and then we are (surprise, surprise!) disappointed when that doesn’t happen.
Nevertheless, we keep on trying to manipulate it back into where it “should be”, trying everything we can to try to get it to be that expected way…and we only succeed in wasting lots of energy and often create needless damage along the way - all while trying to "control" the other. (This is the inevitable "power struggle", referred to in the Relationships section (use search engine), the resolution of which is key to having the relationship work.)
ACCEPT REALITY OR RESIST IT? MAKING THE BETTER CHOICE
THE PAYOFF FOR TRYING TO CHANGE OR RESIST REALITY = 0 OR LESS.
Plus, there is often a cost incurred.
“Spend time trying to disprove gravity and you’re likely to have a big problem besides having wasted your time. It would be better to accept it and then try to learn how to use other forces so that you can fly...”
Again, the truth is that things will happen one way or the other, regardless of your best efforts.
There are two keys needed here:
1. Accepting it rather than resisting it!
2. Knowing that “I’ll be ok!”, anyway.
The effort freed up from resisting and/or trying to change reality would best be put into:
1. Learning how to better live life.
2. Developing abilities, especially decision making abilities, so you’ll know you can rely on yourself to land on your own feet like a cat. You have the ability to be happy no matter what.
3. Looking at reality and seeing that it all works out anyway, even if you goof. You’ll survive lots and lots of so-called threats.
4. Knowing that all that really matters is “who you become.” (Yes, this will take some time to reason through this, as we are still attached to other things that we think matter [from the childhood point of view] but really don’t. )
5. Setting appropriate boundaries.
Accepting Reality is a page designed to help "complete" this "acceptance" thing for you, as it can be a challenge for some people to buy into and totally accept the whole idea.
SUPPLEMENTAL PIECES TO COMPLETE THE SUBJECT
ABOUT CONTROL - Why do we attempt to control some things too tightly? Learn what to let up on, to save time and where to apply your efforts. One of the "secrets" to life.
where not to, and realistically accepting what can't be controlled and having it be ok.
CHOOSING WHAT TO CONTROL AND WHAT NOT TO CONTROL - A big saver of effort! Create a list of what you see as what to control and what not to control - and then decide, as it will increase your power (in terms of effectiveness) by a huge degree!
SOME NOTES ON CONTROL, POWERLESSNESS AND FEARS
If you concluded as a child that there were too many dangers and that things were out of control, you may have a paranoia that suggests that if things go wrong at all the outcomes will be disastrous. You may exaggerate all threats and feel you have to tamp each one down - which of course is impossible.
We have to accept that we can't control many of those outcomes and that we'll still survive just fine and be safe from real harm.
The key is for this person to give up, though it is scary, the fruitless, time-consuming, bad-feeling attempts at controlling everything. The person has to say "I will let that go, and I'll be ok. I know this is fearful for me, but this is vital for me, so I can spend my energy where it will truly benefit me."