CONTROL
ITS PROPER USE
Part of the POWER page list of potential barriers to power. Discussed as one of the keys to
DEFINITELY GIVE UP THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL
Rules
Commitment
GIVE UP TRYING TO TOTALLY CONTROL OUTCOMES
Your responsibility, boundary
Give up trying to control others
Know you are not in control and it is a losing battle to try
ACCEPT REALITY OR RESIST IT? MAKING THE BETTER CHOICE
SUPPLEMENTAL PIECES:
ABOUT CONTROL
CONTROL IN LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS
*A SENSE OF CONTROL
CHOOSING WHAT TO CONTROL AND WHAT NOT TO CONTROL!
CONTROLLING THE EMOTIONS IN THE BODY
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THE COSTS RELATED TO CONTROL
When we overestimate or believe we have control over a circumstance or person, we end up wasting lots of time and energy for virtually no production of a result. This also frustrates us.
Martin Seligman was the discoverer of "learned helplessness", which is what results from an animal or a person trying to exert control over something but not succeeding - and then concluding that he/she/it has no control and therefore there is no reason to try. A version of both frustration and learned helplessness results from a person thinking he/she should have control over somethng that he/she actually has no or little control over and experiencing frustration and concluding one is ineffective, so "why try?" This is "learned helplessness."
But the effect does not stop there. One's esteem of oneself and confidence that one can create results in the world diminishes considerably, setting up a passive victim or blamer way of being. This has ravishing emotional effects and destroys the quality of life. Learning that one does have the ability to create results, perhaps through education of what to do plus the experience of actually trying raises one's esteem and confidence - and resurrects the human being. (The reason one is to use judgment as to when not to rescue a child is so that the child can experience trying and failing and trying and succeeding until the child develops a realistic view of his/her ability to be effective.)
DEFINITELY GIVE UP THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL - FINALLY AND CLEARLY
We believe we can control things that we can’t actually control, such as:
Outcomes
People
We spend a huge amount of effort trying to control the uncontrollable.
Correspondingly, if we stop it, we can free up a huge amount of energy and space for living a greater, happier life. Giving up this illusion will also provide a huge emotional relief.
Giving it up allows us much time to redirect our efforts to areas that we can actually control and create a positive effect through. The key to getting more value out of life is directing our efforts toward what really matters and where one can make a bigger difference, as discussed in The Productivity Section.
RULES:
1. Try to control only what you can.
2. Stop trying to control what you can’t.
COMMITMENT:
___ I hereby give up the illusion of control, now and forever.
GIVE UP TRYING TO CONTROL OUTCOMES
Let’s face it: Life is unpredictable and outcomes are uncontrollable.
You control only your actions (efforts) and your thoughts. You cannot control outcomes.
All you can do is put whatever efforts are needed into producing the result you desire, but then you must accept that the outcome itself may be one of several possible outcomes, which are often out of your hands.
Why do we expect to control the uncontrollable?
It’s a basic way of thinking that came out of childhood thinking – things should happen as we expect or it’s a big threat to our survival. (For why we see it this way, see www.thelifemanagementalliance.com, Psychology, Emotion Management, THREATS AND FEAR .)
However, the facts do not bear this out.
In no way is it truly a matter of survival.
We expect that the past will almost always repeat itself. Clearly that is not realistic.
We also create unrealistic expectations (e.g. my prince, or princess, will always be so loving and we’ll just make love like rabbits for the rest of our lives; my spouse must always…) and then we are (surprise, surprise!) disappointed when that doesn’t happen.
Nevertheless, we keep on trying to manipulate it back into where it “should be”, trying everything we can to try to get it to be that expected way…and we only succeed in wasting lots of energy and often create needless damage along the way - all while trying to "control" the other. (This is the inevitable "power struggle", referred to in the Relationships section (use search engine), the resolution of which is key to having the relationship work.)
ACCEPT REALITY OR RESIST IT? MAKING THE BETTER CHOICE
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REALITY:
THE PAYOFF FOR TRYING TO CHANGE OR RESIST REALITY = 0 OR LESS.
Plus, there is often a cost incurred.
“Spend time trying to disprove gravity and you’re likely to have a big problem besides having wasted your time. It would be better to accept it and then try to learn how to use other forces so that you can fly...”
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Again, the truth is that things will happen one way or the other, regardless of your best efforts.
There are two keys needed here:
1. Accepting it rather than resisting it!
2. Knowing that “I’ll be ok!”, anyway.
The effort freed up from resisting and/or trying to change reality would best be put into:
1. Learning how to better live life.
2. Developing abilities, especially decision making abilities, so you’ll know you can rely on yourself to land on your own feet like a cat. You have the ability to be happy no matter what.
3. Looking at reality and seeing that it all works out anyway, even if you goof. You’ll survive lots and lots of so-called threats.
4. Knowing that all that really matters is “who you become.” (Yes, this will take some time to reason through this, as we are still attached to other things that we think matter [from the childhood point of view] but really don’t. )
5. Setting appropriate boundaries.
Accepting Reality is a page designed to help "complete" this "acceptance" thing for you, as it can be a challenge for some people to buy into and totally accept the whole idea.
SUPPLEMENTAL PIECES TO COMPLETE THE SUBJECT
CHOOSING PERSONAL HAPPINESS AND PEACE - KEY THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS TO CHOOSE TO ATTAIN THESE - A significant section on control as a means to happiness or unhappiness, peace or unpeacefulness.
ABOUT CONTROL - Why do we attempt to control some things too tightly? Learn what to let up on, to save time and where to apply your efforts. One of the "secrets" to life.
CONTROL IN LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS - Having a sense of control is important, but what should it be over?
A SENSE OF CONTROL - Needed for happiness and confidence, but properly constituted.
WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T CONTROL - Seeing where to put one's energies and
where not to, and realistically accepting what can't be controlled and having it be ok.
CHOOSING WHAT TO CONTROL AND WHAT NOT TO CONTROL - A big saver of effort! Create a list of what you see as what to control and what not to control - and then decide, as it will increase your power (in terms of effectiveness) by a huge degree!
CONTROLLING THE EMOTIONS IN THE BODY - A skill that is totally worth developing, in that it will save alot of energy and not-so-good times.
From Live8020.com:
THE LAW OF CONTROL
First, invest your efforts into controlling what you have the most direct control over - which is most often yourself.
By logic, you can cause more results if you have greater control.
Next, influence what you can that is major, knowing that only some of it will payoff.
Then stop all attempts to control what you do not have power over. Identify what that is.
Identify how you can fill your needs directly, completing yourself, so that you don't need anyone to "fix you" or "complete" you. Spend no time in manipulating others to fill your needs.
The illusion of control is basically a left over childhood belief where we think we have "magical" powers over others
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