CONTENTS
In order to be happy...
Learned helplessness - the grand illusion
The reality
The process of recovery of a sense of control
Checklist on sense of control
______________________________________________________________
While the proper use of control is the subject of Control - Its Proper Use, this is about how it affects one psychologically.
IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY...
In order to be happy, confident, independent, interdependent, etc., we all need to have a “sense of control.”
In order to do that, we need to identify our “locus of control” – i.e. what we can (and can’t) control. Many people have tried to control the uncontrollable and ended up with a sense of not being able to control things.
LEARNED HELPLESSNESS - THE GRAND ILLUSION
Violating the laws of control may reasonaly lead to a sense of “helplessness”, meaning one just believes that one is incapable of “helping” oneself to get the results one wants in life. Helplessness is solely a belief system (b.s., for short), one that doesn’t line up with reality.
As children, we are taught to be helpless to some degree. This is what some call one of the greatest psychological discoveries, as it serves largely for the basis of depression at various levels. It is believed that we have 10 times the level of depression as at the turn of the twentieth century (1900), while actually having massively greater control over and access to all we want - but the failure of that perception has people feeling the opposite of control. A great portion of this is corrected in the materials in the Gratitude section, which helps one "see" (perceive) that which is already there. Also helpful, I think, is the piece Giving To Oneself What Is Needed.
In those who have not yet learned the opposite, learned helplessness is often retriggered by "defeats", physical pain, emotional pain that one does not yet know how to control or unfortunate consequences. Read the Control - Its Proper Use section to be clear on why the helplessness belief that was retriggered is just an illusion.
One of the ways to regain a sense of control is simply to do a thorough job of contemplating and affirming one's most important values in life. Do the exercise as part of your plan or your Reminders Notebook: see Values Main Page.
Another is to gain more knowledge.
Another is to practice exerting control in an area where we do have control or strong influence. Gardening is an example. Taking care of a pet is to.
THE REALITY
The reality is that a person with any IQ at all and any physical or talking capability can do things that will produce consequences – and can choose to do those things one finds to produce the better consequences.
Power is simply: “the ability to do or act; capability of doing or effecting something”, at the basic level. We have added meanings to it, such as “force”, “superior will”, etc, but those are just “stories” created around true power.
THE PROCESS OF RECOVERY
So, the process here is simply to identify what you can control and can’t control. There is a part you could include called “influence over”, where you know you could influence what happens but know that you cannot control what happens (so it is still in the non-controllable zone), such as whether someone else falls in love with you or even likes you.
Surely, one can control what one eats (subject to one’s false beliefs), exercises, etc. And, it is true that some people choose to do something else, like filling an addictive need to have short term consequences that may not be a good choice. But people can control how much they learn in the area of self development and self psychology. Also, one can control how kind one is or how one adheres to one’s values and standards.
One can’t control the stock market (or predict it well), but one can control how diversified one is. One can’t control how much income one makes, but one can influence it by doing those things that tend to contribute to making a higher income.
And then implementing a commitment and ability to live in Integrity and to implement the techniques and thinking behind the easier-than-you-think implementation and practice of Discipline (see Discipline - The Only Choice).
To “get” this and to be clear and complete, you must do the process to the greatest degree you can at this time . Then complete the attached checklist.
CHECKLIST ON SENSE OF CONTROL
Complete the following checklist, after you have done the process:
___ I understand clearly what I can and can’t control.
___ I now choose to let go and to cease trying to control what I cannot control.
___ I know I have power.
___ I acknowledge that I am not helpless and that I am not dependent on
“powerful” people to feed me and take care of me. I can do all that.
___ I know I have the ability (though maybe not yet the awareness) to create the
life I love.
___ I accept my humanness and the fact that I will err at times, but I know I have
the ability to do what can be done to make my life a happy one.
___ I commit myself to getting the help, the resources, the information I need to
have a level of awareness that serves me in living my life at a high level.
Signed this ____ day of _______________, ______
By: ________________________________
Tickled for review: ___/___/___
Updated, date: ___/___/____
(Copy and paste this into a Word document or get it from the original Word version of A Sense Of Control.)
