CONTENTS
Self esteem evaluation test
Is anything more vital?
What is it actually?
What is its basis?
Getting to a higher level
Where did we get it?
Outdated and ineffectual
Exacerbating practices and beliefs
Convert the supporting pillars
The benefits of being released from low esteem
Impossible to prove
Go in through the cause not the symptom
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EVALUATION TESTING AND CHARTING PROGRESS
DISCUSSION
IS ANYTHING MORE VITAL?
Is anything more vital than self-esteem and its related cousin, confidence?
Without a good foundation for one's self-esteem, one goes through life with a negative feeling, a negative underlying current. And if you read the happiness pages, you'll find that "feeling good about oneself" is one of the key ingredients.
WHAT IS IT ACTUALLY?
The definition of esteem is, in the verb form, "to have great regard for; value highly; respect" and, in the noun form, ""favorable opinion", based on, in language, "estim" as in estimation (and opinion).
Opinion is "a belief not based on absolute certainty or positive knowledge but on what seems true, valid, or probable to one's own mind; an evaluation, impression or estimation of the quality or worth of a person or thing."
WHAT WILL AFFECT MY ESTIMATION OF MYSELF?
The question, then, is "what will affect my estimation of myself?" And I ask that question based on the vital effect on one's happiness of "having a good opinion of oneself".
While other people's opinions and verbalizing of praise for you will have a positive effect, it is not sufficient - plus it is also not reliable, and it definitely is not controllable. However, we waste much effort in a very low return game of contorting ourselves into whatever form will win approval from others - a foolish, foolish endeavor indeed!
It makes more sense to go directly to the factors that we can manage in order to increase self-esteem and to eliminating the barriers that get in the way of self-esteem, not the least of which is an unknowledgeable, unrealistic viewpoint about how to look at oneself. We'll deal with all of these - and we'll get alot more results than just repeating nice little affirmations!
The factors related to self esteem include:
Realistic assessment (honoring the learning curve, realistic standards, self-view)
Honoring self - and being human (its high parts, its imperfection)
Eliminating erroneous thinking (using Right Thinking, eliminating blame)
WHAT IS ITS BASIS?
Lack of self esteem arises from erroneous thinking (beliefs), just as fears do. In fact, it is a form of a fear, based on criticism of self in order to, in some convoluted way, motivate one to do better. When you learn that there is no basis for blame and self-criticism (or judgment of oneself or another), then you remove a huge cloud from your life - it is the essential pillar to handle. To correct this thinking, you'll see that we've suggested a number of affirmations to help change your beliefs.
As you study self-esteem, other issues in life will often melt away, as you begin to "think straighter" and be more powerful in life.
GETTING TO A HIGHER LEVEL
Even with decent self-esteem there is a good payoff on learning more, as near perfect self-esteem will dramatically raise the quality of one's life!
Lack of self-esteem is caused by a set of beliefs about ourselves, not based in reality. We need to change those beliefs. We need to unlearn them and set up the opposite belief of the belief that is not working for you. Toward that end, you would use the beliefs section, and particularly you might also read "Why You Should Read To Love Is To Be Happy With" - it's about beliefs, though it sounds like it is about relationships.
WHERE DID WE GET IT?
Where did we learn to judge ourselves and others and to compare ourselves to others?
The source was, of course, those close to us and, secondarily, from others around us and cultural beliefs together with a probable instinctual influence, plus we made a few bad judgments while we were too young to make good ones.
The level of threat we feel, as indicated by the strength of the emotion, very probably is based on years of evolution where a sense of the pecking order in the tribe was helpful for survival. At that time, it could have been useful to compare oneself with others to see if we would be useful enough to the tribe not to be kicked out and possible starve to death or be killed.
OUTDATED AND INEFFECTUAL
However, the threat of not surviving because of being compared unfavorably has disappeared, as well as the usefulness of the "fear"/"alarm" system that evolved. The overactivation and misappropriate reactions of the fear/alarm system in today's world has proven to be very harmful and not useful in life; without proper management, it creates excessive stress. See Managing The Mind for how all this developed and why you should no longer let Dumb and Dumber (lizard and monkey brains) run alot of your life.
EXACERBATING PRACTICES AND BELIEFS
Note that the fear system is often overly activated because of our practice of COMPARING AND OTHER FALSE STANDARDS . As stated, we can survive perfectly well without having to compare favorably and without having to have approval.
Understanding why this is true is a key part of letting go of feeling threatened (by a falsely believed threat). Once we learn to let go, we can just fill our own emotional tanks and become fully free by practicing self-sufficiency.
Perfection ("the path to hell") and other false standards that we can't or don't measure up to create certain failure and a means for criticizing and putting oneself down. Correcting those standards is one of the two parts necessary to get rid of the "unhappiness gap." See How To Create Unhappiness, which links into how to cure unhappiness.
In life we often fail to follow the principles that work - and we get frustrated and down on ourselves when things don't work - there's a lot of wasted energy plus negative emotion. One key principle to follow is in the article: KNOWING WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T CONTROL.
Speaking of what one can't control, we make the mistake of being driven by the need for approval.
As one acquaintance put it "I'll have self esteem when others approve of me."
Hold it! Stop! We, as with the other happiness factors, do not get it from outside ourselves. So, a key objective on this site is to crack the false beliefs that are related to needing the approval and/or to having to have it to "be ok". This is also discussed when we go through the "enough" concept, where we never get there, unless we make that specific change. (You can't reach "good enough" by becoming good enough!)
CONVERT THE SUPPORTING PILLARS
Know this area thoroughly and convert your basic thinking and then practice it so the brain, literally, has it wired in correctly. Consider ordering the Barksdale materials, which I've found to be the clearest and most effective, though some may get all they need from this site.
THE BENEFITS OF BEING RELEASED FROM LOW ESTEEM
Having one's self esteem intact permits one to no longer stop oneself from taking risks or being worried about being judged. Consequently, a greater range of activities are engaged in and done in more depth. Confidence, primarily, is based on having some success in life and/or in a specific area. But in order to develop that confidence, a person needs to confront problems and develop some confidence in one's ability to come out ok on the other end. The classic low self esteem person almost always operates from a "victim" perspective, waiting for others to rescue or be nice to them - which never works - read Where Are You On The Victim Versus Cause Scale?
IMPOSSIBLE TO PROVE
I developed a great deal of confidence in some intellectual pursuits, but I found that I still did not have self-esteem, as "proof" is not totally what self-esteem is about - one can never "prove" one's self-worth or get enough approval. Part of what happened is that I developed so narrowly that I was not confident in other areas, such as relationships. I also did not understand that there was no way I was going to be "good enough" unless I changed my thinking - which is the objective of this section and site.
GO IN THROUGH THE CAUSE
Low self-esteem is the symptom - and it is difficult to solve a symptom itself. We must, instead, solve the cause. (Read and know and believe in how Cause And Effect work.)
If one handles one's fears, as they are the basis for the thinking that underlies low self-esteem, self-esteem and confidence rise dramatically. See the Fears section overview. See especially the basis for fearlessness, for knowing you'll deal with whatever the outcomes are - tremendously freeing! And one will not have low self-esteem if one has developed fearlessness.
Life with high self-esteem is a wonderful experience, full of free self-expression, tackling alot of positive challenges, and loving and respect oneself fully, which really feels good and adds much to the Happiness Equation.
living
CONFIDENCE/SELF-ESTEEM - See also Psychology, Overall;
how the process works.
READ FIRST:
READ OR USE PER INTEREST:
"Something Is Wrong With Me" - This idea is the foundation of not esteeming oneself and it must be addressed fully in order for the other methods of increasing self esteem can be as effective as possible. It is vital that you gain a perspective on life and its many gifts - and toward that end it is vital you become an expert in seeing what is here, as in the Gratitude section - review that and become an expert without fail!
Affirmations:
Confidence
Control
is having a clear "locus of control", for if you're not clear you'll suffer from trying to
control the wrong things.
Judged by others
Powerful person
Person and The Powerful Person)
Power In Life - What is power? What are the practices and beliefs of a powerful
person
Self Esteem
Victim posture
BOOKS:
THE FOUNDATION BUILDING RESOURCE THAT IS THE BEST:
BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM L.S. Barksdale - The best little self-esteem and non-blame book I have ever seen. Highly recommended for clarity, for all people regardless of the level of self-esteem, for it teaches an invaluable life lesson. Order through catalog from www.ncaddoc.org. Highly recommended for clarity, for all. To see offerings (my listing and explanation and recommended supplementary materials)and print order form: Barksdale Materials and Order Form
OTHER BOOKS
Self-Esteem, A Proven Program Of Cognitive Techniques For Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem, McKay and Fanning - The best of the non-Barksdale approaches. If you do what it says in the book, you'll raise your self-esteem considerably. A good supplement to Barksdale.
Ten Days To Self-Esteem, David D. Burns, M.D. - In a very practical worksheet format. A classic in the field, one that I would rate as more effective than the other most popular ones.
The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden - One of the great specialists in the field. Self-esteem is supported by living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, and integrity. "We need to listen to and respect our own sensations, insights, intuition, and perspective."
