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CONTENTS:  Read and agree to The Zero Tolerance Rule In Relationship.

INTRODUCTION -
CONFLICT - Read the comments in this section.
BOUNDARIES AND ABUSE - Often we don't set boundaries, even accept abuse, and sometimes, unthinkingly, we do it.
UPSETS AND RESULTANT BEHAVIORS - Analyze and resolve any upset.
METHODS OVERALL - A number of methods to use to improve problem solving, lower conflct and assure better communication.


INTRODUCTION

CONFLICT IS THE SYMPTOM, NOT THE CAUSE! 

You can't "solve" things at the symptom level.  Please remember that you must solve the underlying cause by "completing" it, otherwise you'll just get to have it over and over and over and over...  See and religiously use the conflict resolution tools

Remember:   "Whenever there is an “upset” in a relationship, there is an implicit psychological threat in the “atmosphere” and rationality tends to be reduced at least somewhat and often seemingly totally.

When rationality is reduced, the possible effectiveness of communication diminishes substantially and the emotions are ready to flare into greater emotion or continued irrationality that could possibly damage the relationship."  As excerpted from:   Time-Outs As A Communication Tool.

Read and agree to The Zero Tolerance Rule In Relationship.



CONFLICT  - We'll be pulling these out to be separate.  Meanwhile the relevant pieces are
                 included in the "overall", above.  Many of the Methods, in the separate section below,
                 relate to conflict - select the ones you think are appropriate to the need.

                  See also the "Upsets" section.

(F)                Houston, We Have A Problem! Handling Any One Problem In The Relationship -
                      Defining the problem that is going on and dealing with it.  A worksheet to help you
                      work it all out.
                   Opposing? - Differentiating Between Opposition and "Non-Opposition" - Some people
                      think someone is opposing them when that is just not so.  To clear this up,
                      distinctions are made, examples are given, and a worksheet format helps one
                      distinguish what is happening and what to do about it.
                   Setting Boundaries - Stop the needless hurts.  Train another to honor your boundaries.
                       

BOUNDARIES AND ABUSE:
 
                    Abuse - Let's Be Clear On What Abuse Is - Lack of clarity here allows abuse to
                       continue where it shouldn't be allowed!  You might be surprised to find out you do it,
                       unthinkingly.
                    Negative Communication - Unacceptable Negative Remarks - Give this to your partner
                       to stop negative remarks.  Negative remarks around another is a form of abuse.
                    Setting Boundaries - You are the one that teaches another how to treat you.
                    Stopping The Poor Treatment From Another - The Sound of One Hand Clapping - A
                       very effective way of stopping abuse of any sort.  Just do it!!!


UPSETS AND RESULTANT BEHAVIORS (Section not completed yet, so also see the "OVERALL".)

                   See also Emotion Management section, as most of this is personal emotion and
                      responsibility.
                   Quick Quiz On The Upset - A Check-in With Reality - After your upset, try this 1/2
                      page quiz.
(F)              MY UPSET IN RELATIONSHIP - REVIEWING IT, ALTERING HOW I REACT/ BEHAVE
                      Seeing "what happened" and why, in a simple one page format.  Also, the introduction
                      section explains the concepts of self-responsibility and how to implement it for a
                      better relationship.
(F)               Current Upset Resolution Exercise - Worksheet - A multi-part extensive way of resolving
                      any current upset in a relationship. 
                   My Look At The "Upset" That Occurred - A one page "get in touch", "get in reality"
                      exercise.
                   Upset - I Can Choose Whether To Get Upset Or Not In My Relationship - No one can
                      make you upset, in a literal sense.  This adds clarity in order to give you a choice in
                      the matter.
                   (An) Upsetting Practice That I Could Stop Doing - When your partner gets upset about
                       something you do, use this form to "complete" on it and to choose what to do.
(F)               No Blame Communication - The Format - Follow this and you'll also learn how not to
                        blame and how to not offend your partner. 
                   Positive, Progressive Conversation Exercise - Use this to discover a whole new way of
                        communicating, after committing to do this for a specified period and seeing the
                        difference in how you feel and interact.  VERY POWERFUL!
(F)               Rational Analysis - What actually happened and how can one make sense of it

METHODS, FORMATS, FORMS -

                  See also:

                       Commitments, Agreements and Rules (above);
                       Sustaining Relationships, Questionnaires. - From what is needed in Love Making to
                           how is the relationship going.

                   It is best to keep a copy of each form in one of the Relationship Notebooks, so that you
                       can decide which ones to use.  Of course, you may develop certain favorites and use
                       them almost all the time, as long as they work for you.

                  THE WIN-WIN PROBLEM/UPSET RESOLUTION PROCESS - This is the key process
                       you should use forever and ever to have your relationship become heavenly in a
                       relatively short periodl.  See also the form, below, to print out to serve as a reminder
                       wallet card for following the process.


(F)               Accountable - How To Hold Your Partner Accountable - Peacably - This can be a very
                      positive process, where accountability is not a "blame" thing and where one can be
                      positively assertive.
(F)               Behavior Change Request Form, Long Form - Get in touch with what is going on for you,
                      share it with your partner, settle on solutions that will work for both of you.  Very
                      effective.
(F)               BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUEST FORM, SHORT FORM - Once you're familiar with the
                      process using the long form, use this form for your discussions.
                   Communication Process - Going From The Negative To Positive Communication
(F)               Current Upset Resolution Exercise - Worksheet  
                   FOUR HOUR RELATIONSHIP ALIGNMENT PROGRAM - An Intensive Focus/Work
                      Session - This is the format for it.  Remarkably effective.  
                          Four Hour Relationship Alignment Program - Facilitator's Outline For The Meeting -
                             Some of the key points that helped tie it together.
                   Love Tank - Keeping It Filled - Making Meaningful Deposits and Avoiding Disastrous
                       Withdrawals - Each of you fill this out to let the other know what actions and
                       behaviors are important to you, so that each of you know how to contribute
                       meaningfully to each other and avoid what is a big withdrawal from feeling loved. 
                       Don't waste any more time doing some things that don't mean anything to your
                       partner!
(F)               Needs and Wants - This Is What I Need To Have Changed In The Relationship...
                       - Identify what is needed and wanted to make the relationship work for you, decide
                         what is most vital, and then make appropriate requests.
(F)               No Blame Communication - The Format - Follow this and you'll also learn how not to
                        blame and how to not offend your partner. 
                   Positive, Progressive Conversation Exercise - Use this to discover a whole new way of
                        communicating, after committing to do this for a specified period and seeing the
                        difference in how you feel and interact.  VERY POWERFUL!
(F)               Rational Analysis - What actually happened and how can one make sense of it
                  Reality Check - When you've reacted to something where you might have assumed
                      another person was thinking or intending something and you want to verify it or find
                      out what was actually going on. 
(F)               Requests - Making A Request Of Your Partner - Here's a form for doing it in a
                        completely "haveable" way.
(F)               Resolving - A List Of Items I Would Like To Resolve In Our Relationship - List
                        everything that comes to mind then prioritize importance and urgency.  See also
                        "Needs and Wants" approach, above.
                   Resolving Something For Myself And/or For Us - This is similar to the Behavior
                       Change Request Form, but with a slightly different tenor and approach.         
                   Time-Outs - A Great Relationship Tool - These help us "settle" what is going on and
                        allow us to convert to the "adult" mode, where problem solving can occur. 
                   The 20-Minute Check-In 
                   Truth - Is It The Truth? Complete Version - Do this exercise first to discover and verify
                       the truth, then you can be clearer on what is needed, including a request of your
                       partner.
                   Truth - Is It The Truth? Shorter Version - Use this after you have become adept at the
                       longer version.
                   Upset That Occurred In Our Relationship - My Look At It - An alternative to the other
                        forms used.
                   Upsetting Practice I Could Stop Doing - Includes an apology, though it is primarily a
                       "self-realization" and acknowledgement of doing something that doesn't work,
                        since it upsets my partner. 
                  *WEEKLY COUPLE'S COUNCIL 
                   Weekly Family "Life" Meeting Agenda - Example  
                   What And Where Is The Problem? - In relationship counseling, the key point may be
                       missed.  This form helps identify where the problem is that should be best solved for
                       the biggest payoff.
                   What Methods Work and Don't Work For Me In Conflict/Problem Resolution 
                  Win-Win Problem Resolution Process Reminder Card - Print this out (already sized)
                       and use it for a prompter to take out of your wallet to make sure you follow the
                       process.




CONFLICTS/UPSETS AND THEIR  RESOLUTION
THE ABILITY TO RESOLVE PROBLEMS SUCCESSFULLY
THE KEY PREDICTOR OF RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS



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