TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY IN AN EMOTION LADEN RELATIONSHIP YOU NEED TO ABSOLUTELY LEARN "EMOTION MANAGEMENT" (SEE PSYCHOLOGY SITE MAP)

CONTENTS OF THIS SECTION: (Preferably, go down this contents list and review these in this order.  A number of these items are on different pages.)

COMMUNICATION - See also Loving and Being Loved !!!!

         GROUNDING MODULE: KEY READING PIECES TO READ FIRST
             The Key Context For Productive Conversation - Follow this and you'll prosper. 
                 Violate it and you'll suffer!
         OVERALL  - All pieces not otherwise classified.
         COMMITMENTS, AGREEMENTS, RULES (with regard to communication)
         CONFLICT  
         CRITICISM, BLAME, MAKE WRONGS, NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION... - The killers!!! 
                Master these and your relationship(s) will transform!!!
         UPSETS  
         LEARNING PLANS  
         METHODS, EXERCISES, TOOLS - See Learning Plans also. 
             BASIC COMMUNICATION - Tools, at the the levels of communication, establishing needs
                and agreements
             BEHAVIOR  CHANGE REQUEST - An effective method devoid of criticism.
             PROBLEM-SOLVING/NEEDS-FILLING - For ways to come to agreement
             CONFLICT RESOLUTION - For "battles", stopping abuse, appropriate handling  
             COUNSELING - What is it and does it work reliably?
         RATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LEVEL AND CLOSENESS - Where are you?  Should you be
              at a higher level?   
         COMMUNICATIONS TO THOSE WHO MEAN ALOT TO ME - When you need or want to
             make a special impact. 


(TO READ FOOTNOTES in a document on the internet, under "view", click print layout.)

CONTENTS OF THE OTHER RELATIONSHIP PAGES:

                              RELATIONSHIPS OVERALL - About relationships overall

                               CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS   

  PART I.               FINDING/SELECTING A PARTNER  

  PART II.               CREATING AND BUILDING THE RELATIONSHIP    
 
                                  Overall 
                                  Repairing a relationship
   
  PART IV.             SUSTAINING  
 
                                    Key Reading Pieces
                                    Tests, ratings, periodic checkups, monitoring
                                    Questionnaires  
                                    Methods to complete and/or resolve  
                                    Topics to choose among
                                    Agreements, Commitments, Rules
                                    Learning and Mastering "Relationship"
                                    Planning, Vision, Goals 
                                 
  SUPPORTING:     RELATIONSHIP NOTEBOOKS 
                                     "Our Relationship" Notebook     
                                     Relationship Reference Notebook  
                                     "My Relationship Creation" Notebook  

Read the key documents (in capital letters) as a grounding exercise and then items that are of
  interest.  You can read the website like a book, if you print the items of interest and insert it into
  the Relation Reference Notebook (see above).

On each sitemap page, (F) = a worksheet or form to fill out and/or use.


COMMUNICATION - See also:  Sustaining, Loving
          
THIS SECTION'S PARTS:  Learning plans; Read first; Read relevant parts; Criticism, blame, make
  wrongs; Methods, formats.       

LEARNING PLANS - See Relationships in Learning Plans page

                    Blame, Forgiveness 

GROUNDING MODULE/'BOOKLET', READ FIRST, IN THIS ORDER:

                    COMMUNICATION - WHY BOTHER AND WHY NOT BOTHER - Be clear on the costs
                        of not communicating.  They are too great.  And the benefits - priceless!  Decide
                        and sign for what you are committed to, or not.
                    THE KEY CONTEXT FOR PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION:  Sticking to reasoning
                        and the higher level brain use along with distinguishing the facts from the "made-
                        ups" (make-wrongs, misperceptions, etc.)
                    SEEING REALITY AND PERCEPTION AS OFTEN DIFFERENT A vital basic for all
                        life.  When learned, it makes a huge difference in saving effort and problems.
                    MAKE WRONGS - SPOTTING THEM, CLEANING THEM UP - This is the next level
                        basic that all people should learn.  It makes a huge difference in relationships and
                        making life easier.  
                    NO-BLAME COMMUNICATION AND THE NO BLAME RELATIONSHIP - Knowing how
                         to communicate cleanly in this manner makes the relationship much easier and
                         better.  (6 pages)  
                    CRITICISM, BLAME, AND RESENTMENT - Change from this killer of relationships
                          and of love and your life will transform.
                    COMPLAINING - Eliminate this totally and never again do this problem causer.                                   BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUEST - This is a process for effectively allowing a
                          behavior change to occur in another without opposition or another problem
                          occurring.   
                    SETTING BOUNDARIES - Without this skill, you're likely to be subject to needless
                          "hurts".  Without training people to honor one's boundaries, they will step on your
                          territory.
                    RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING - HOW IT DOESN'T, AND DOES, WORK - A short
                          piece on the simplicity of what works and how commitment and/or sabotage
                          affects the process.

SELECTIVELY READ THOSE PARTS THAT ARE RELEVANT, BELOW, AS NEEDED:

OVERALL


    Effectiveness and Good Practices,

                    Relationship Choices - Be Clear: Which Do You Choose? -  Choosing responsibility
                        and no blame, creating real intimacy, there are some choices to make that will
                        affect the quality of your relationship forever.
                    Effective Couples Communication - To do it, we've got to know what it looks like and
                        what it includes. This will help you to "see" it and what is needed.
                    Time Outs - A Great Relationship Tool - Must be taken whenever there is an
                        upset, as rationality cannot co-exist with "flooding-level" upsets. 
                    Language Of Communicating, Positively and Solution Oriented - Describing versus
                        judging, justifying, and negative talk.  Keeping our languaging talk clean,
                        supportive, and solution-focused. Includes a detailed agreement on what you'll do.
                    Authenticity In Relationships:  True Authenticity - What is "true authenticity" and how
                       does one effectivly use it as a tool in one's life.        
                    Completing Our Daily Communication With Each Other - A brief checklist on what to
                       do to complete your day, from feelings to appreciations to plans.  A good practice
                       to have.  

           Assuring Regular, Complete Communication

                   *WEEKLY COUPLE'S COUNCIL - A set aside focus time to plan, communicate, get it
                        together, resolve issues.      
                    Weekly Family "Life" Meeting Agenda - Example - An alternative to the Couple's
                       Council, especially if it is for the overall family.

            Listening

                  Recreating Another's Internal "Conversation" - How to really "get" what the other is
                        feeling inside and have your partner know it and feel validated.

            Boundary-Setting - Be sure to also use the Time Outs practice to set limits!

                   Setting Boundaries - This makes life so much easier!

    Abusive and/or Reactive Communication

                    Time Outs - A Great Relationship Tool - Must be taken whenever there is an upset,
                        as rationality cannot co-exist with "flooding-level" upsets. 
                    Reactivity - Am I Highly Reactive? - The impact and costs of being reactive,
                        recognizing my reactivity, and making a commitment. 
                    Abuse - How Much Are You Giving Out? - Most people do not realize how much
                       abuse they are putting out there, nor do they realize what "abuse" actually is!
                   Teasing And It's Effects   

    Assuming, Mind Reading, Misperceiving, Projecting

                    Reality and Perception Are Often Different - Fact, Truth, Reality, and Perception - A
                        key area to learn, as people can act or react from perceptions that are not real!!! 
                        What a waste!!!
                    Perceptions Versus Reality - In Communication - Another view of this vital area.
                    Misperceptions Due To A Person's Sensitivities - The person who is sensitive about
                       something sees 10 out of every 2 actual occurrences... This chain should be
                       broken.
                    Assuming, Mind-reading and Interpreting Versus Verifying, Clearing Up - Vital to
                       eliminate this unworkable "communication" barrier.

            Projecting

                  Projecting Onto Another - Some Comments 

    Requesting that partner "Improve" or change

                    Asking Your Partner To "Improve"  
                    Behavior Change Request - A method of saying "your truth" without projecting
                       assumptions onto another, so that you can make a request that will respect your
                       current psychology.        

   
                    Control - When Is It Really Needed And Not Needed - Are you a controlling person or
                        living with one?  What are the costs?

                   Feelings Vs. Thoughts - Expressing And Differentiating Them To Be More Effective In
                        Communication - Get out of the "mire" and the "blame" cycle by learning how to
                        clearly communicate feelings and avoiding the big mistake of characterizing them
                        as feelings, which is a strategy used with childish thinking and which can cause a
                        great amount of harm.
                    Gunnysacking Or Problem Resolution - Your Choice - Gunnysacking, as a potent
                        often unintentional weapon, can kill a relationship.
                

COMMITMENTS, AGREEMENTS, RULES  

 
                 Our Agreements Relevant To Our Having A Discussion - During a discussion this is the
                    agreement that a couple should maintain.
                 OUR SPECIAL AGREEMENT TO END ALL OUR OVER-REACTIVE BEHAVIOR - Every
                      couple should have this agreement to stop being a child where two rational,
                      nurturing adults need to be present.  It includes an acknowledgement and listing of
                      "Violations of the 'No Harm' Policy."  It also includes the "Practices We Agree To Use
                     To Resolve "Problems."  .
                 Promises For Safe Communication - Listening, Speaking, and Problem Solving -
                     Promise this so you'll be clear on what works and what you will do.  It is also a
                     straightforward list of what to use when.
                 Rules For Fairness In Conflict Resolution - This is one of the first exercises you
                       should do, as it will save much wasted efforts and frustrations in communicating.

UPSETS (Section not completed yet, so also see the "OVERALL".)

                   See also Emotion Management section, as most of this is personal emotion and
                      responsibility.
                   Quick Quiz On The Upset - A Check-in With Reality - After your upset, try this 1/2
                      page quiz.
                   My Look At The "Upset" That Occurred - A one page "get in touch", "get in reality"
                      exercise.
                   Upset - I Can Choose Whether To Get Upset Or Not In My Relationship - No one can
                      make you upset, in a literal sense.  This adds clarity in order to give you a choice in
                      the matter.
                   (An) Upsetting Practice That I Could Stop Doing - When your partner gets upset
                       about something you do, use this form to "complete" on it and to choose what to
                       do.

METHODS, FORMATS, FORMS -

See specific purpose methods, comments at:

           CONFLICT RESOLUTION for "battles" and

           PROBLEM-SOLVING/NEEDS-FILLING for "ways to come to agreement". 

                  See also:

                       Commitments, Agreements and Rules (above);
                       Sustaining Relationships, Questionnaires. - From what is needed in Love Making to
                           how is the relationship going.

           RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING - What it is and how it works - and it does work if you work it!

    DISCOVERY

            What Do You Think About... - An exercise to discover, without confrontive behavior or
                   the resistance that might come in "problem solving", where all you do is ask what
                   the other thinks.  It is extremely validating of the other person and creates a
                   deeper bond of understanding between you, perhaps for the first time


RATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LEVEL AND CLOSENESS

  
COMMUNICATION AT THE FIVE LEVELS OF EFFECTIVENESS AND MEANING

         Level 1.  Virtually no communication (the weather, functional minimums, etc.)

         Level 2.  Some sporadic sharing

         Level 3.  Full active listening
                         Couple's Dialogue - Mirroring, validation
                         Couple's Dialogue - Feelings, relecting 
         Level 4.  Cooperative synthesis, planning,
                          Couple's Council 
                          Asking for what you want     
         Level 5.  Fully expressing feelings, needs, request for change
                         The Very Brief Version - After couple's have established full communication
                         Sharing fully the experience and feelings of the day
                         Behavior Change Request - Used freely and willingly accepted
                         Tell the real truth about needs.
                        
         Which level is your relationship at?  ___     Is that level the level you really want? _____

THE CLOSENESS OR DISTANCING OF THE RELATIONSHIP

You can tell when anger, blame, and their cousins resentment and distrust are present by the             degrees of negative symptoms, for there is no such result without a negative cause.  When fear rules love has no room.  But when acceptance, rooting for the other and action to show support are present, love rules.

         Level -5 to -1.  Anger, blame, criticism predominate.  Huge distancing.

         Level 0.  Total indifference.

         Level 1.  Arms length.  Safe distance.  Love shown by services, but no feeling of bonding.

         Level 2.  Sporadic inroads, but still a wall of unresolved resentments and distancers

         Level 3.  Some openness appears and some level of understanding and compassion shows
                       up. There is more willingness to love in a meaningful way (beyond services).

         Level 4.  Feeling close and relaxed, sharing of emotions/feelings, very caring love-making

         Level 5.  Feeling so close, at the soulmate level, loving (and love-making to) the other as you
                      would love yourself at the highest.

         Which level is your closeness at?                                                 ____
         Does that level equal the level of your relationship, as rated above?  ____

(Hint - If there is no corresponding evidence [i.e. closeness], then the believed level of your relationship is not accurate.  Take another look and decide what you really want.  And then work together on a plan to make sure it will happen.  What you do from this assessment will measure your true commitment to the relationship.  Once your partner is willing, then all the rest is up to you.  And if the partner is not willing, you still need to do what is right, following what is written herein, even if your decision to stay is only 51%.)
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IF YOU DO NOT COMPLETE,
YOU'RE DOOMED TO REPEAT.
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See also the section:

RELATIONSHIP RESOURCES

and consider also

PSYCHOLOGICAL RESOURCES
See also
SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIPS -
Topics To Choose From

Overall
Behaviors
Developing A Great Relationship
Loving, Being Loved, Appreciation
   Making Love
Problems
    In Relationships
    Solving Problems
Resentments, Responsibility,
   And Blame

"COMMUNICATING WITH INTEGRITY"
IN RELATIONSHIPS

A VITAL SKILL WHICH:
CREATES "THE CONNECTION"


Read Grounding Module: Key Reading Pieces To Read First

REFERENCE   

Relationship Communication And Problem Solving  Contents/Links - Find something at a glance, get perspective.