See Journal Notes also, covering part of the conversations, to use as input or what to look at.
It is a good idea to update anyone supporting you or coaching you with your results and progress and next steps you are committed to taking.
A couple of things on relationships, one of which applies to our last interaction. The other would be required of anyone who would be entering a relationship.
Things to do for possible consideration, for discussion, if you decide to proceed down the path of working with me in some fashion and decided frequency:
To write down what your Happiness coach had suggested (i.e. what you learned from her) and to specify which practices, etc., that you will or have adopted.
To write down notes on what you learned, practices you've adopted or might adopt, etc. from Keith.
Both of these are best initially done in a quick format, limiting it to 20 minutes, and then keeping a notebook in which you write down more additions as you go.
Yes, this takes effort, but it is something that I believe strongly has value, plus providing some material for future planning....
Review from below:
Review and send any notes of items to add or change (copy sheet, paste
5/4/10 See Affirmations Main Page and follow key new links, per email.
See others before that, such as authentic learning and practices to follow.
See also: CONVERSATIONS (BARBARA, KEITH): 7/20/10
You need to give up on and replace the idea that you are "not good enough", replacing it with having more than enough capability to be happy.
6/23/10 Toward the process of organizing and in an attempt to have quick access to what is needed I added under the Problem Solving section a link to Problem Solving Forms, so that they can be accessed as needed without having to look through a bunch of sections. It is my hope that this will permit you to do some more problem solving in the moment, so that you are largely free of problems because you are handling them expeditiously (and keeping them smaller). I'm working on the idea of a notebook that contains the problems to address and their solutions, when they are solved: The Personal Progress Notebook. As the Contents for the Psych section become too large, I set up separate contents pages. The one for Fears and Emotions is hopefully organized for easy reference. I would be particularly interested (if you'd make a few notes for our conversation) in your looking at the piece called I Am Safe, At The Core, Always and the related safety pieces. 6/19/10 Consider reading the new QuikSummary added to Why Is Life So Difficult? and the links to The Viewpoint Of A Caveman and The Concentric Circles Of Importance In Life. Part of what I am working on in "the perspective" series, so that needless anxieties are reduced down to zero... Have you looked at Detailed Contents - Barbara under the affirmations section for you? It would be useful to complete those sections and to follow those doables. It is difficult for me to create those without your participation. Did you look at the gathering of the affirmations into a piece called Affirmations By Area? It is for perspective and for programming.
Your feedback makes my work more effective and leads to quicker resolution and better fitting of your need. I cannot do my work well without it.
6/18/10 Open item asked to remember for future discussion: the idea of "something at stake" causing hyperventilation. (And effect when feel "full", so there is no sense of emptiness, which is an "at stake" matter.)
We can create tremendous anxiety, which ends up being "much ado about nothing", unless we exercise our distinction power, as in Gaps In Life.
What are your personality types in Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram? We need those so that we can utilize some of the insights and strategies that are appropriate to each type. The Enneagram is the most critical and detailed, extensive.
See Personas/Personality Types Main Page and do relative to the enneagram either the institute one and/or the one page summary of personality types (in the latter, some people can see which one they are. See also the Myers-Briggs test link.
Requested via email 15 minute quick list of what Barbara wants in life, as a starting list, so we are "going toward" good stuff instead of "going away from" bad things.
Please write a quick list, to be addressed later and completed, but taking no more than 15 minutes (and email to me):
Any goals you have (in terms of something you can control or choose to be and not dependent on future circumstances.
What fills you up, what makes you come alive, What are you drawn toward?
Helping people to...
Making the apartment beautiful
What things, activities, etc., do you want in your life?
(Eating, exercise, entertainment, type of people....)
Nothing elaborate, just bare bones.
Remind me to keep this as a focus until we've completed it....
Consider setting this up as part of your system of what to do when you need to raise your mood: Reading For Inspiration
5/18/10 Requested "to do"s from 5/17/10 conversation:
Pointing out use of "passive" (victim) language: I got crunched vs. I crunched myself - or more accurately I created undue stress for myself by ... and now I will change that by.... Proactive conversation always has a "what is to be done next" about it. Similar to the idea of handling a Breakdown to create a breakthrough.
The process of being ravenous and then mishandling it and then making one's self wrong for it (adding "bad thoughts" as you put it). You wanted to address this to be clear on the cost and reward (see also the Breakdown and Rackets [on yourself, in this case] to unravel all this). Ate something shouldn't have --> panic about its scary consequences, like a developed phobia. (Talk of planning ahead, commitment, and program for...)
Added by Keith as topics
No longer continuing the ideas and beliefs from your mother comparing you to others and her practice of parading you in front of others. Freeing up the effects of others saying your mother is so perfect. Letting go of the believed value (a myth) of "looking good".
The importance and prioritization of adhering to a "normal schedule", and also breaking tiredness by walking. See old piece: Costs Of Destabilization.
Developing compassion for self, understanding, nurturing self.
Note your comments about what has worked for you:
"Only thing worked for me" is literally almost every second tuning in and changing my thoughts. Worked twice and with great results - felt good about my having exercised control. Also, the changed contents in my mind positively affected my mood.
Not partaking of any sugar and less than 5 grams of carbs works very well. Two times, I felt fine and functioned very well.
"If I can become better at these self-regulating skills and learn to be happy, I might stand a chance of a better relationship."
Every muscle is tensing, looking for a way out... constantly through my life...
5/18/10 Per our discussion of the uselessness of anger, reread and "get it" that anger is an outmoded weapon based on childish beliefs if it is used for anything that is not a real, significant threat. The section needs to be revised a bit, but it is still worth reading and following the recommendations: Anger.
Review and send any notes of items to add or change (copy sheet, paste
5/4/10 See Affirmations Main Page and follow key new links, per email.
5/1/10 Note, from the Authentic Learning page, especially "Learning and achieving expertise is speeded up and honed better if one spends thinking time where one is developing something for one's own use - and then implementing it. Learning can be semi-passive, but it is highly active when you put things together on your own - then you will develop much more quickly. See "The Process For Developing Skills And Talents."
Your progress will be proportional to the amount of time you spend in actively thinking and putting things together. To the extent one doesn't do that, one does not make progress and one gets to simply repeat one's past. It is essential that you work on the "cause" to things and not so much on the symptoms, doing whatever you have to do to carve out the time. (See Cause and Effect.)
4/24/10 The discipline section is being revised to be more practical and better laid out. I'll let you know when it is ready to implement.
4/22/10 See Individual Communications for this day, via the link. Putting on the "hat" you wore when being a graduate student, read the following piece to see how it applies to something you could do and note how it shifts the responsibility over to oneself to create what is needed, away from being "acted upon" (especially waiting for that as a contingency for happiness!): Being Romantic.
4/7/10 See the changed, updated version of Pessimism to understand it better and to decide if it is worth the commitment to eradicate it. Progress will be slow and difficult if current major negative beliefs are not removed/corrected. It would be impossible to get much progress in the face of those, such as My Top 10 Self-Talk Tunes and False Affirmations.
The biggest effect on your life will be from doing these tasks, which are the only items on your to do list for the next few months, from my point of view:
1. Putting together your Reminders Notebook and using it to fortify and center yourself daily and at any time needed. It is the central reinforcement/guidance tool for one's life.
SPECIAL NOTE: The level of effectiveness goes up dramatically when one uses the principle of Cause And Effect And Power and the process of Authentic Learning, which links to what to expect in terms of time (versus quick miracles). The focus on solutions of circumstances and how to deal with them makes for very little progress compared to working on the foundation, the actual causes of the unfavorable circumstance in the first place! Keep on doing the morning centering, including the items in the Daily Practices Checklist, to be added to and revised over time.
Promise: Will send Keith my written version of her commitment with regard to eating she reviews in centering sessions. Possible addition: To rid the apartment of anything that is deleterious to my health and not stock any "for possible tiny bites".
Promise: Stay up for two more hours before taking a Unisom.
Promise: I will wean myself off tranks within 3 weeks and I will keep none in the apartment. (I have resolved that the temporary discomfort is not a serious thing, as I am now learning more and more to assess costs and payoffs.)
Keith is to take Barbara's suggestions on how to limit contact appropriately and come up with a suggested arrangement, re: amount of time on the phone, conditions for limited exceptions, showing evidence of doing the work and doing more work in writing for easier feedback and upgrading of progress. See Format For Coaching.
In these notes, I will be "estimating" and may misstate what you feel and how you think, but I need to do that so I can proceed and work with this great complexity you've set up, and to work with you to dismantle it piece by piece. Removing the untrue beliefs and harmful habits and installing the good practices and the true beliefs is what you need to do, with the help of myself and others.
(K-see notes journal)
11/21/09 Posted Realities of Life to blog
11/18/09 Posted to blog re: "possibilities" thinking per Wayne Dyer
Give up being a powerless little girl
Looking from the viewpoint of being little and having other people be powerful and determinate over your life will keep you in the position of experiencing threats that are not threats. In this position, you would be constantly bombarded with "danger" signals, which is, indeed, exhausting, plus it colors your view of life.
You must convert your beliefs to something that is realistic, for you are not threatened, at all, in most cases since you are a powerful person who can choose to be self-sufficient. To have you see that is our next task.
Watch this video vignette (click on "see it in action") explaining "the vicious circle", with a good example (click on the upper right hand picture). Watch this video vignette (click on "see it in action") explaining "languaging", with a good example (click on the middle left hand picture). How to get "unstuck" from recreating the past. Also, on having a future that is open for invention, on the lower left picture.
Differentiate on pain and threats
It appears that every negative is a serious thing to you and that most have about the same negative impact. I think that the biggees are seen as different, but that little frustrations or "not go rights" are quite upsetting, as upsetting as those negatives in the middle. We need to train you to see that little stuff is little stuff and that it can just be sluffed off as no big deal.
In almost all cases, there is no actual threat and you are imagining it, even bringing future believed (non-existent) threats into your consciousness. You seem to consider each evaluation you make of yourself in the same way as if it were a threat.
"Everything's serious, ring the alarms, let's get frantic" is not a great way to react.
You cannot afford to keep triggering your alarm system over and over, especially if you want to get to the point of being relaxed and happy. (Note that "happy" doesn't exist at the same time as "tense", so we need to give up at least 90% of the tension, as the goal.)
Train body not to be tense
Yes, you can deal with tension inducing incident by relaxing, but you need to train your body to have a normal state of relaxation. Right now your body is will easily slip into a general "holding" condition, kind of like hunkering down if one is going to be hit by another person or steeling oneself to meet a threat (to be able to act, in a real threat).
It is imperative that you follow the rules to reduce this tension. You must be 100% totally relaxed at least twice a day, going for 3 times for awhile. You need to establish a new norm for your body that is closer to relaxation than tension. 100% relaxation can be attained within 5 minutes, just doing the progressive relaxation or the 10 back to 1 on spotted areas of tension. Relaxation
To see what you are doing, walk around the house for a little while holding yourself stiff with muscles tense and see how exhausting that is. You're doing a high portion of that, but you have, other than an uncomfortable feeling, become acclimatized to it to such a degree that you don't notice it much anymore.
Review and include in your Reminders Notebook Barbara's Daily Practices, as it is a reminders list, with explanations, of what we have been talking about.
Train mind not to be tense
This is related to the little girl viewpoint above, but you must dump the totally made up threats, which are actually non-existent. You need to accept and acknowledge that some things are true and that they are just that way, so you can stop putting energy into trying to control or stave off threats. Accepting the Realities Of Life would allow you to let go of the stress created by trying to change that. Decide whether you are willing to accept that.
For instance, it is absolutely true that people will judge you. And there will be a bias toward the negative, as there is with all people.
Learn to say "so what?" and believe it.
Stopping negativity, gaining positivity
For later, but stacked up here to keep track of it all:
Watch this video vignette (click on "see it in action") explaining "context", with a good example (click on the lower right hand picture).
Was your mother, despite all of her own insecurities, doing the best she could in being "committed to having your life work out?" Was she trying to teach you from what she knew?
Persisting in complaining, yet holding things as fixed
Watch this video vignette (click on "see it in action") explaining "rackets: the payoff and the costs", with a good example (click on the middle right hand picture).